Rogues in Wonderland
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: Joker tells his twin children Arleen and J.J. a version of the "Alice in Wonderland" story featuring some very familiar faces, much to Jervis Tetch's annoyance.
1. Chapter 1

**Rogues in Wonderland**

"All right, kiddies, I know you've had an exciting day with your cousin Alice, but now it's bath and beddie-bye time," announced the Joker, entering the room where his twin children, Arleen and J.J., were having a tea party with a little blonde girl, Alice Tetch. Her guardian and adopted father, Jervis Tetch, observed the party with a pleased expression, the exact opposite of the expression on the twins' faces.

"It hasn't been an exciting day," retorted J.J., glumly. "We've had to sit through three tea parties…"

"Eight poems that Alice had to recite," chimed in Arleen.

"And five dress up games as the March Hare and the White Rabbit," finished J.J. "I don't mind dressing up, but bunny isn't top of my list. What do I look like, a furry?"

"What the heck is a furry?" asked Joker, puzzled.

"You can look it up on the internet, but you don't wanna know," said J.J. "I mean, some people on there call you and Mommy weird, Daddy, but I don't think you even qualify on the scale of weird on the internet."

"I think it's been a most delightful day," commented Tetch. "We must have these playdates more often between the twins and Alice. I like her socializing with children her own age – she's stuck at home with just me for company all the time."

"You're wonderful company, Uncle Jervis," replied Alice, sipping from her teacup with her pinky lifted, as she had been taught. "And you don't get tired of my tea parties, or my recitations."

"Or dressing up in a bunny costume, if I know Tetchy," muttered Joker.

"I don't dress up as a rabbit – I'm the Mad Hatter," retorted Tetch. "So I just dress the way I always dress for our tea parties."

"Speaking of weird, why did you decide to dedicate your life to impersonating a character from a kid's book?" asked J.J. of Tetch.

"Why did your parents decide to dedicate their lives to impersonating clowns?" retorted Tetch.

"Because Daddy fell into some acid that drove him crazy, and Mommy loves him so she just goes along with it," replied Arleen.

"Pretty much," agreed Joker, nodding. "What's your excuse, Hatty?"

"I don't need an excuse!" snapped Tetch. "The Carroll novels have been a constant comfort for me throughout my life. Why should a man not dedicate himself to the things he loves?"

"I guess that's fair," said J.J., shrugging.

"In your parents' social circle, young man, I am not the strangest persona by a long shot," continued Tetch. "And I'm hardly the only person to have dedicated my life to an unattainable ideal."

"Well, that's true," agreed J.J. "Aunt Ivy wants to destroy humanity and cover the world in foliage, and that's a pretty unrealistic goal. I mean, who would she feed to her plants if she eradicated humanity? Not that I'd ever dream of questioning Aunt Ivy, and frankly, if she wants to eliminate me when the plant revolution comes, I'll be tempted not to refuse her…"

"Why that book, though?" asked Arleen, changing the subject. "Why _Alice in Wonderland_?"

"My dear child, that seems a rather obvious question," replied Tetch. "Your parents must have read _Alice's Adventures in Wonderland_ to you, in which case, you're aware of its genius. Its appeal is obvious the moment you read it."

"Actually, our parents have never read it to us," said Arleen.

"We've seen the movie," spoke up J.J. "The cartoon and the live action one…"

Tetch gaped at them in horror, looking as if someone had just stabbed him in the heart. "You've never…read…" he stammered. "What…sort of childhood have you had?"

"A damn good one, thanks," retorted Joker. "But when the kiddies want a story, I prefer to improvise one myself rather than read something some dead pedophile wrote two-hundred years ago."

"There's no evidence Carroll was a pedophile!" snapped Tetch.

"Right. Just like there's no 'evidence' you're one," said Joker, making air quotation marks. "Nothing but a lotta incriminating circumstances…"

"I would hardly have been granted custody of my goddaughter if such circumstances were true," retorted Tetch. "But this isn't about me – it's about you depriving your children of the finest work of literature ever created! It's frankly abusive, and shows a huge lack of parenting skills!"

"Actually, Daddy, could you tell us your version of the _Alice in Wonderland_ story for our bedtime story tonight?" asked Arleen, hopefully.

"Yeah, Daddy will make it better," said J.J., confidently. "You should stay and listen too, Uncle Jervis and Cousin Alice. I bet Daddy will improve upon the original one hundred percent."

"I am not going to sit here and listen to some clown's bastardization of my life's work!" snapped Tetch. "Nor will I allow my goddaughter to do so!"

"I'd like to hear, Uncle Jervis," protested Alice. "How will I know that your version is the best version unless I listen to others and compare them?"

"You'll know because I tell you so," retorted Tetch.

"Now that's not in the spirit of scientific inquiry, is it, Tetchy?" asked Joker, grinning. "Thought you nerd types were all about experimenting. In a sciency way, of course, not a sexual way – nerds rarely get any action to experiment in that way…"

"I'll thank you not to talk about such things in front of children," interrupted Tetch. "Nor to corrupt my goddaughter's mind with impure versions of the Wonderland stories. Now come along, my dear – we're going home."

"But Uncle Jervis, I want to listen!" whined Alice as Tetch tried to pull her away. She suddenly dug her heels in, opened her mouth, and began shrieking at top volume and without drawing breath.

"Good Lord, Alice, what on earth has gotten into you?" demanded Tetch, clapping his hands to his ears. "You never misbehave, and you certainly never shriek!"

"It's a trick we taught her," said Arleen, proudly. "If grown-ups don't let you do what you want, refuse to move and scream at the top of your lungs. They change their minds real quick."

"Especially when there's two of you," chimed in J.J. "You can time the shrieking so that when one of you pauses to take a breath, the other carries on, so it's just a continuous racket. It's hugely effective."

"Boy, is it ever," muttered Joker.

"Puddin', I heard shrieking, what do the kiddies want and why haven't you given it to them yet?" demanded Harley Quinn, hurrying into the room.

"It ain't the kiddies – it's the creepy, weird orphan," retorted Joker. "Oh…sorry, kid, I only meant to call you that behind your back," he said to Alice.

Alice looked about ready to burst into real tears at this, and she turned her upset face and trembling lip to her guardian, whose anger melted instantly. "Oh, please don't cry, my love! What can I do to make it better, my angel?" he asked desperately, looking more upset than she did.

"Maybe…you can let me listen to Uncle Joker's…story," stammered Alice, wiping her nose with her sleeve.

"Yes, of course, my precious," said Tetch. "Now dry those eyes. With a handkerchief, of course," he said, handing her one. "You've been taught manners, and only ill-bred people use their sleeves, and you wouldn't want to be thought of as ill-bred, would you?"

"God forbid," said Joker, sarcastically.

"What story, puddin'?" demanded Harley. "This ain't an excuse to get outta doing the dishes again, is it?"

"What do I look like, a woman?" demanded Joker. "I don't do the dishes!"

"Please, Mommy, let him tell the story instead," pleaded Arleen.

"Yeah, Mommy, please," agreed J.J. They began alternating whiny "pleases," giving her puppy dog eyes.

"Puddin', this is serious!" snapped Harley, trying to ignore them and focusing on Joker. "You always stick me with the chores while you go tell the kiddies some story or other, and I'm sick of it! You're a grown man, with a grown man's responsibilities, and I can't be the only responsible adult in this house! Our relationship should be a partnership, with the two of us sharing responsibilities equally, not me doing all the work and you going off and having fun without me! I won't put up with it, not anymore! You ain't telling the kiddies any story until you've done your share of the housework!"

Joker said nothing, but suddenly seized her around the waist and kissed her. She resisted at first, but then melted into his arms with a contented sigh.

"Fine," she murmured when he drew away at last. "I'll take care of it."

"Works every time!" chuckled Joker as Harley headed back to the kitchen. "It's the old Joker charm, kiddos – never fails!"

"Yay! Story time, story time, story time!" exclaimed Arleen, clapping her hands as she and her brother piled next to their father as he took a seat on the sofa.

"Depending on how bad this is, I might have to leave in the middle of it, as I did with the Tim Burton version of _Alice in Wonderland_ ," said Tetch, sitting down next to Alice. "Jonathan was not pleased – Burton is one of his favorite directors, but he really ruined that story by giving it a story. The essence of the book is its lack of plot."

"Well, I hate to break it to you, Tetchy, but I'm also a guy who likes a plot," said Joker. "And I thought that Burton version was all right. That Johnny Depp was a better Mad Hatter than you ever thought about being."

Tetch had a murderous look in his eyes. "I might forgive that if you do the story justice," he muttered. "But probably not."

"Y'know, I've never actually read it," said Joker, shrugging. "So I'm gonna just have to make up the story as I go along, and throw in some Wonderland elements. But being locked up in Arkham with you for years should give me a pretty good idea of those. There's like a Queen of Hearts and a smoking worm, huh?"

"Caterpillar," corrected Tetch.

"Same difference," said Joker. "And you know what I think will really improve the story? Putting in some clowns."

"Yay, clowns!" exclaimed Arleen, clapping again. "Put you and Mommy in the story!"

"Oh, I'll be putting in quite a few familiar faces, don't you worry, princess," chuckled Joker.

Tetch sighed again, preparing to cover Alice's ears should things really get out of hand narratively. Which he was sure they would very quickly.


	2. Chapter 2

"Off with his head!"

The door to the palace throne room was kicked open, and a beautiful, red-haired woman stormed in. She was dressed all in red, and wore a huge red gown decorated with hearts, her skirts swishing around her as she marched toward her throne.

"Your majesty, it was an honest mistake…" began the old man hurrying after her, holding a puppet in his arms.

"Painting my roses was not an honest mistake!" shrieked the woman, rounding on him. "And I'll thank you not to plead for clemency for murderer of my babies!"

"Yeah, you heard her, you dummy!" snapped the puppet, in a completely different voice. "Let me handle this, and you zip it, or it'll be off with your head next, capiche?"

"Yes, Mr. Scarface," muttered the old man, his Ventriloquist. "I'm sorry, your majesty, please forgive me. Mr. Nygma does indeed deserve death for painting your roses red. I think he just thought it would please you…"

"Please me?" repeated the woman, her green eyes flashing fire. "He thought it would please _me,_ Poison Ivy, the Queen of Hearts, to cover my precious, beautiful babies in red paint and suffocate them horribly to death?! He's either stupid or mad, and either way he deserves to die! So off with his head!"

"That's rather harsh, your majesty – after all, we're all mad here…" began the Ventriloquist.

"I said button your yap, dummy!" interrupted the puppet. "Gabbing on is a great way to go from royal advisor to headless corpse quicker than you can say Lewis Carroll!"

"Yes, Mr. Scarface," murmured the Ventriloquist. "I'll let you give her the news about the Monster then."

"What news?" demanded the Queen of Hearts.

"Great, stick me with the fun job," muttered Scarface. "Just 'cause cutting off _my_ head won't have any effect on me…"

"She likes you," insisted the Ventriloquist. "You're made out of a tree, and she loves trees…"

"What news?!" shrieked the Queen of Hearts, grabbing Scarface and flinging him across the room.

"Um…the…the news…your majesty…is that…the…the Monster," stammered the Ventriloquist. "The Monster…has attacked Chessboard Land. There were…no survivors. The rumor is…it was seen…heading in the direction of your queendom."

The Queen of Hearts said nothing, but clutched her scepter with a heart on its tip so hard that the Ventriloquist heard it cracking. "We are running out of time," she muttered. "I will not have it destroy everything I have worked so hard to build in Wonderland. It must be slain, and fast."

At that moment, the door to the throne room was thrown open, and a two-faced man stormed in, dressed in a red, playing card uniform with hearts on it. The Queen of Hearts stood up to greet him.

"My Knave, what news?" she asked.

The Knave of Hearts, otherwise known as Two-Face, smiled. "We found him," he muttered.

"Found him?" repeated the Queen of Hearts, beaming. "Have you brought him?"

"Of course, your majesty," said the Knave of Hearts, snapping his fingers. Two playing card guards escorted a man into the room between them.

"Oh, my faithful Knave, I knew you wouldn't fail me," purred the Queen of Hearts, approaching him and sliding her fingers down the bad half of his face. She planted a tender kiss on the good half, and then headed toward the man who stood in between the guards. The Queen pushed his top hat back, revealing his face, and smiled.

"Hello, Jervis," she murmured. "Or do you prefer the Mad Hatter?"

"A Mad Hatter in a mad world is sane," murmured the Mad Hatter. "So yes, I do prefer that."

"Speaking in nonsense, as usual," said the Queen, smiling. "That's good – I need your particular brand of nonsense to help me."

"And once I've served that purpose, it's off with his head, I expect," said the Mad Hatter.

"If you don't want your head removed right now, I suggest you tell me what I want to know," growled the Queen, her smile suddenly dropping. "You know how to defeat the Monster. Tell me."

The Mad Hatter smiled. "It cannot be defeated by any citizen of Wonderland," he murmured. "Only Alice. She is the only one with the power to defeat it, as was foretold in the ancient prophecies of Wonderland: _Try as they might, try as they may, the Monster no lunatic can slay. Woman and child, animal and man, no being can free Wonderland. Until the Frabjous Day arrives, and Alice comes to save our lives; the only one with the power to stay the Monster from its wicked way._ "

"Where is this Alice?" demanded the Queen of Hearts. "How can I find her?"

"She lives in the world above," replied the Mad Hatter, nodding upwards. "A long, long way from Wonderland – a rabbit hole's distance, at least. She has long, blonde hair, and an otherworldly, far-away look in her large, blue eyes. You should send a rabbit to bring her."

"I'm not really a fan of rabbits, Jervis," retorted the Queen of Hearts. "Nor of any animal, really. Nasty, horrible things that dig up and consume my precious babies. If I see any animal in my queendom, I behead them."

"The same thing you do to men, then," retorted the Mad Hatter.

"Yes, exactly," agreed the Queen of Hearts, with a smile. "I either kill them, or make them serve me. There's nothing I enjoy more than subjugating a man to my will," she murmured, sliding a long, red fingernail down the Knave of Hearts's face again. "So strong, so dominant, and so satisfying to break."

She kissed him again, deeply, and then turned back to the Mad Hatter. "But frankly, Jervis, you're not worth that," she retorted. "Take him to the dungeons – I need him alive for now, so that he can identify this Alice for me after I lure her here. There has to be a better way to do that than by using some dumb rabbit."

"I do believe that's the tried and tested method," said the Mad Hatter. "After all, you don't want to make a mistake and get the wrong Alice, or your kingdom is doomed."

"My _queendom_ will survive whatever happens!" snapped the Queen of Hearts. "This Monster will not destroy it! Nothing can! I will reign over Wonderland forever, and neither the Monster, nor this Alice, can stop me! Take him away!"

The guards obeyed, dragging the Mad Hatter off. The Knave of Hearts took his customary seat at the Queen's feet, while the Ventriloquist went to pick up Scarface. "So…what do you want us to do, your majesty?" asked the Ventriloquist, slowly. "Should we…send one of your subjects to go collect this Alice from the world above?"

"No," murmured the Queen of Hearts with a cruel smile. "I've got a better idea."


	3. Chapter 3

"Joker, this has absolutely nothing to do with the Lewis Carroll story!" protested Jervis Tetch, breaking into the narrative.

"No, but it's awesome!" exclaimed J.J., excitedly. "I love the thought of Aunt Ivy being a queen who dominates everyone and who wants to keep her power at any cost!"

"Suits her, don't it?" agreed Joker, nodding. "When I had the premise of an angry, irrational queen who demands constant executions, there was really only one person I was gonna cast."

"I also object to our friends and associates being cast as characters," continued Tetch. "This story is pure fantasy – putting any form of realism into the narrative completely ruins it."

"Says the man who bases his real life completely on fantasy," retorted Joker. "Anyway, what are you complaining about? I've given you a big part. Spoiler alert: that's not the last we see of you. I coulda been a jerk and cut you outta the story completely, but I didn't. You should be thanking me."

"Thanking you?" repeated Tetch. "For mangling my favorite story?"

"Y'know, it's people like you who give fans a bad name," snapped Joker. "You treat the thing you love like some kinda religious cult with only one true version. You need to be more open-minded about different interpretations of your favorite story, Tetchy. Otherwise you'd be stuck with the same old narrative time after time, and where's the fun in that? It's like how they're always making new movies with us in them and interpreting our characters in different ways. Well, not you, obviously, because you're a lame villain, but there are tons of portrayals of me out there."

"Yes, and as I recall, you got so angry about your last portrayal that you stalked the actor who played you, caused him grievously bodily harm, and then drove him to suicide," retorted Tetch. "So I'd hardly call you open-minded."

"Look, that creep got what he asked for by playing me as a psychopathic, anarchist terrorist, and hitting on my dame," retorted Joker. "It was a personal thing."

"So is this story for me, being the Mad Hatter," said Tetch. "And I didn't stalk Johnny Depp and drive him to suicide, so frankly I'm the more tolerant one."

"Yeah, and I'll have to do the same with this new guy too," sighed Joker. "So many people to kill, so little time. This new imposter's got a 'damaged' tattoo on his forehead. You want damaged? I'll give you damaged, kid."

"Puddin', I've just got off the phone with Red, and she thinks I can't give into you like I always do," said Harley, storming in from the kitchen again. "She thinks it's demeaning for me to just let you get away with murder just because you kiss me. She says I need to assert myself more, so here I am doing that. I want you to put this story on hold and get into the kitchen right now!" she snapped, pointing.

"I'll do the dishes, Harley," volunteered Tetch. "Anything to get me out of listening to this insult to Carroll."

"You're staying right here," snapped Joker. "And so are you, pooh," he said to Harley. "I'm just getting to the part where you come in."

"Really?" asked Harley, curiously. She shook her head. "No, Red said to be assertive…"

"Don't listen to the Queen of Hearts, cupcake," interrupted Joker. "She's a tyrannical psychopath who's got poor Jervis locked up in jail."

"What's she locked him up in jail for?" asked Harley. She shook her head again. "No, wait, I don't want to know. If I start listening to the story, I'll want you to continue, and I don't want you to continue, I want you to do the dishes."

"Ok, pooh," sighed Joker, resignedly. "Then I guess you'll never hear all about how you save the day, and all of Wonderland from the Monster that's threatening to destroy it."

"What?" snapped Tetch. "I thought I said it was meant to be Alice!"

"It was," said Joker, nodding. "But it's partially your fault for not being more specific. All you said was blonde hair and blue eyes. Millions of people match that description. It's also partially the Queen of Hearts's fault for not being more thorough before she drags people down to Wonderland. But I can't tell you all about that – I gotta go do the dishes," he sighed, standing up.

Harley glared at him. "Sit down!" she snapped. "I wanna hear how I save Wonderland!"

"Is Alice even going to feature in this story?" demanded Tetch.

"Hey, no spoilers," retorted Joker as he sat back down and Harley settled herself onto his lap. "I'm not giving away anything about this story, so you'll just have to stay and listen, or stay in suspense. Your call, Hatty."

Tetch folded his arms across his chest. "Fine," he muttered. "But my expectations are not high."

"Well, neither are mine for this new Joker," agreed Joker. "Especially after the savaging this latest movie has got – holy crap, have you seen the reviews? That's what they get for going all grimdark, I suppose. If you ask me, all movies should be comedies, especially ones about guys in bat costumes fighting other guys in blue tights. But I'm gonna go support it, if only to annoy Lexy, who was infuriated about the way he was portrayed. Anything that gets on Lexy's nerves, I'm in favor of..."

"Story, Daddy!" cried Arleen.

"Right, went a little off track there," said Joker, nodding. "Sorry, princess. So anyway, up above Wonderland, in a town called Gotham, there lived this girl named Harleen Quinzel, but everyone called her Harley. She had blonde hair and blue eyes, and at this particular moment in time, she was attending a garden party and was feeling pretty bored. She didn't really know anybody at the party - it was being thrown by friends of her parents, and she didn't know anybody in their family, except for their daughter, Alice Pleasance. Harley and Alice went to college together, but they hung around in vastly different circles. As in, Alice had a circle of friends, and Harley didn't. She was a bit of a wallflower around people she didn't know, shy and keeping to herself, and after a quick, awkward greeting to Alice, she did her best to disappear from the crowd. She had just managed to escape into the garden, and stopped in front of a beautiful red rose bush."

Harley had never seen flowers like these before. There was something hypnotic and fascinating about them – whether it was their fragrant smell, or their unique red color, they seemed to beckon her to reach out and touch them, despite the thorns that surrounded the blossoms. She felt almost under a spell, and drew closer to the bush, powerless to disobey the gentle urging of a sweet, kind voice in the back of her mind to touch the flowers…

Her finger was inches from the petals when all of a sudden, the bush came to life, the thorny stems rising up like a snake and wrapping themselves around her. Harley tried to shriek as the thorns cut into her, but another stem wrapped around her mouth, silencing her. With a mighty jolt, the plant suddenly lifted her up and disappeared into the ground, dragging Harley after it.

She was dragged helplessly down, down, down, past all kinds of plant roots and ancient fossils and all that other stuff you find in the ground. At last, she landed with a thud, and felt the thorns unwrapping themselves and releasing her.

"Hello, Alice," said a voice.

Harley looked up to see a beautiful yet intimidating-looking red-haired woman, regally dressed, and smiling down at her. At her side was a man with half a face, dressed in a playing card outfit.

"Um…no," she stammered. "My name is Harleen Quinzel, but everyone calls me Harley…"

"Don't bother denying it, Alice – lies will get you nowhere but a jail cell, followed by a swift execution," interrupted the woman. "I am not here to mince words, and I do not have the time to play games. I need you to get to work defeating the Monster at once, before it's too late."

"Monster?" repeated Harley, who was beyond confused. "I'm sorry, I don't...understand what's going on. I'm not Alice, and I don't know about any monster. I don't even know where I am…"

"You are in Wonderland," retorted the woman. "I am the Queen of Hearts, ruler of this realm, and this is my faithful Knave of Hearts, who will be happy to escort you to the dungeons if you refuse to cooperate with me, Alice."

"I told you, my name is Harley," replied Harley. "I don't know any Alice except for Alice Pleasance, whose party I was at when I was attacked by a rose bush."

"She's lying, your majesty," hissed the Knave of Hearts. "She's just playing dumb - it's a trick so she can be released, and doesn't have to fight the Monster."

"She will not escape her fate so easily," retorted the Queen of Hearts. "Take her to the dungeons. We'll see if a couple hours there can't loosen her tongue, and refresh her memory. You will learn that the Queen of Hearts is not to be trifled with, Alice," she snapped, glaring at Harley. "If you choose to be difficult, it will be off with your head, prophecy or no prophecy. Take her away!" she commanded, striding off.

Harley was seized by the Knave of Hearts. "Hey, watch the thorn wounds!" she shouted, as the Knave dragged her down to the dungeons. He threw her into a cell, slamming and locking the door, and then hurried off back to the Queen.

"Alice, is that you?" whispered a voice from the cell next to her.

"No, and I'm getting really tired of being mistaken for this Alice already!" snapped Harley in annoyance, glancing into the neighboring cell. She saw a man in a top hat staring back at her hopefully. His face fell when he saw her clearly.

"You're…not Alice," he stammered.

"Thank you! That's what I've been trying to tell everyone!" exclaimed Harley. "You wanna go upstairs and explain that to that wacko Queen and Knave guy?"

"Oh no," murmured the man in the top hat. "Oh, no, no, no! She's brought the wrong Alice! We're all doomed!"

"Look, could somebody please tell me what the heck is going on?" demanded Harley. "Ever since I came to this place everybody has just been speaking a lotta gibberish!"

"Not gibberish, my dear, nonsense," corrected the man in the top hat. "That's all anyone speaks in Wonderland. We're all mad here, you know. I myself am the Mad Hatter, how do you do?" he asked, holding out his hand to her.

"Uh…hi," stammered Harley, shaking it. "So…why am I here? And what's everyone here so worked up about?"

"Simply put, the fate of this entire kingdom depends on a girl called Alice, a girl the Queen was meant to lure to Wonderland. Instead she brought you, ergo, we are doomed," finished the Mad Hatter.

"What's this Alice supposed to do?" asked Harley. "Maybe I can fill in somehow."

"She's meant to slay the Monster, the greatest threat to Wonderland there has ever been or ever will be," replied the Mad Hatter, in a hushed voice. "It is a horrible, merciless beast, a creature of such unrelenting evil who has destroyed whole kingdoms in its wake, and countless lives. It is so terrifying that we in Wonderland dare not speak its true name lest we bring the horror down on us, and refer to it only as the Monster."

"Sorta like Voldemort, huh?" asked Harley. "He-who-must-not-be-named? Or is this the wrong story for that?"

"I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about, which is good," said the Mad Hatter. "It means you're starting to fit in to Wonderland already. But no, the Monster's name is not Voldemort."

"What is it?" asked Harley. "I mean, it's just a name, right? How scary can it be?"

The Mad Hatter looked nervous, but nodded slowly. "Its name…" he whispered, in hushed tones. "Is…the Jokerwocky."


	4. Chapter 4

"Jokerwocky?" repeated Harley. "What kinda stupid name is…"

She was cut off as they heard the roar of something horrible quite close to them.

"I told you it would bring the Monster down on us!" exclaimed the Mad Hatter, as Harley heard the playing card guards shouting at one another, racing up the stairs to defend the throne room and their queen and leaving the Mad Hatter and Harley alone. They both ran to their small cell windows and looked out, terrified by what they saw.

It was a huge, winged beast, like a dragon, with razor sharp claws and giant, sharp teeth. It flew over the roof of the palace, and then came back around, claws poised and teeth bared. The guards gathered on the battlements, throwing spears and shooting arrows, but nothing seemed to pierce the monster's hide.

"Jervis!" hissed a voice from behind them. They whirled around to see what appeared to be a man in a Scarecrow costume standing at the bars to the Mad Hatter's cell.

"Jonathan?" gasped the Mad Hatter, racing over to him. "How on earth did you get in here?"

"Easy when the guards are distracted," said the Scarecrow with a smile.

"But how did you know the guards would be…" began the Mad Hatter, but he trailed off suddenly. "That Monster is not real," he said, slowly. "It's a hallucination."

"A shared hallucination brought on by my fear gas, yes," agreed the Scarecrow. "Or, if you will, a diversion while I break you out of prison," he said, holding up a set of tools. He knelt down and began picking the lock.

"If I was you, I'd just take the hammer and smash the lock," commented Harley. "Nobody's gonna hear you over all the shouting."

"Well, nobody asked for your opinion, did they …" began the Scarecrow, but he trailed off as he looked up and saw Harley. His mouth hung open as he stared at her in wonder.

"That is to say…I mean…" he stammered, captivated. "That…that sounds like a marvelous suggestion, my dear. Jervis, who in Wonderland is this?"

"This is Harley," said the Mad Hatter. "The wrong Alice. The Queen of Hearts brought her here by mistake, which means disaster for Wonderland."

"Well, I would hardly call anyone so…beautiful a disaster," stammered the Scarecrow. "How do you do, my dear? I'm Jonathan Crane, the Scarecrow."

"Pleased to meetcha," said Harley, shaking his hand between the bars. "And I really would just smash the lock with the hammer – no need to be silent over all this panic and chaos."

"Yes, you're quite right, my dear," agreed the Scarecrow. "I'm a man who prefers brute force myself."

"No, you don't…" began the Mad Hatter.

"In this instance, I do," retorted the Scarecrow, glaring at him and seizing the hammer. He knocked it against the lock on the Mad Hatter's cell, shattering it, and threw open the door.

"Let's get out of here," said the Mad Hatter. "Before they realize the Monster is just an illusion."

"We're taking Harley with us, of course," said the Scarecrow, smashing the lock on her cell door too and opening it. "We can't abandon her here to be executed by that dreadful woman."

"Yes, all right, but keep up," said the Mad Hatter, as he and the Scarecrow hurried down the cell block toward the door.

"Thanks, Johnny," said Harley. "Can I call you Johnny?"

"If you must," sighed the Scarecrow.

They all slipped out of the cell block and across the palace grounds until they came to the wall separating them from the outside. The guards were still distracted by the makeshift monster, and didn't notice them.

"Now what?" asked the Mad Hatter, turning to the Scarecrow.

He put his fingers to his mouth and whistled. "I'm not a dog, Johnny – cats don't respond to whistles," snapped a creature who appeared on top of the wall at that moment, the strangest creature Harley had ever seen.

It appeared to be some sort of cat-woman – bigger than the size of a regular woman, but with black hair all over its body, and resembling more a panther than a cat. The creature noticed Harley, and its green eyes narrowed.

"Who's this?" she demanded, flicking her tail at Harley.

"Someone else we're rescuing," retorted the Scarecrow. "Selina, this is Harley. Harley, Selina, the Cheshire Catwoman."

"Uh…hi," said Harley, slowly. The Cheshire Catwoman didn't respond, except to lick her paw and begin to groom herself.

"You expect me to carry all of you?" she asked, lightly.

"I'm sure you can – she won't weigh much," retorted the Scarecrow, gesturing at Harley. "And I'm sure you've had at least three people ride you at any one time before."

"Hey, let's keep this story PG!" snapped the Cheshire Catwoman. "It's none of your business how many people have ridden me at one time!"

"I obviously didn't mean that…" began the Scarecrow, but while they had been talking, the Monster illusion began to fade and dissipate, turning the attention of the guards back to them.

"Your majesty!" shouted one, hurrying to find the Queen of Hearts. "The prisoners are escaping!"

"Well, we'll just have to find out if I can carry you all," muttered the Cheshire Catwoman, hopping down off the wall into the courtyard and flicking her tail up towards her back. "Climb on."

The Mad Hatter and the Scarecrow obeyed, climbing up onto the Cheshire Catwoman's back. Harley hesitated, and it was at that moment that the Queen and the Knave of Hearts appeared from the palace, racing toward them with her entire army of playing cards behind her.

"Stop them!" shrieked the Queen of Hearts. "They mustn't escape with Alice!"

"Harley, come on!" shouted the Scarecrow, holding out a hand to her. Harley took it, and climbed up onto the Cheshire Catwoman, who bounded up onto the wall with a single jump, and then launched herself over it, with all three of them clinging tightly to her.

"No!" screamed the Queen of Hearts. "After them, all of you! Find them, catch them, and bring the girl back to me alive! Bring me the heads of the others!"

"Yes, your majesty," said the Knave, leading the charge out of the main palace gates and towards the forest where the fugitives had disappeared. But the Cheshire Catwoman was already leaps and bounds ahead of them, lost in the woods by hopping from branch to branch, until they were safe.

She dropped down at last in a sheltered glade containing a house built into a tree. In front of the house was a long table laden with tea things.

"No time for tea – inside, everyone, quickly!" whispered the Mad Hatter, hurrying to open the door to the house in the tree. The others obeyed, following him inside.

"My home won't be safe for long," said the Mad Hatter, rushing around to grab random objects (mostly hats and tea things) and then throwing them into a bag. "We have to get out of here as soon as possible and get to someplace safe."

"Where do you suggest?" asked the Scarecrow. "The Queen will be combing all of Wonderland for us."

"We need to get out of Wonderland then," retorted the Mad Hatter. "Or at least to a part of it the Queen can't touch."

"What part would that be?" asked the Cheshire Catwoman. "She's got spies everywhere – the grass on the ground and the leaves on the trees can communicate with her."

"There is one place where nothing living grows, and nothing green endures," said the Mad Hatter, quietly.

"You can't possibly mean…the Batcave?" gasped the Scarecrow. "You know who lives there!"

"The Dark Knight," said the Mad Hatter, nodding. "He could kill us as soon as look at us, but he has no love for the Queen of Hearts. If we can explain to him before he kills us that we're fugitives from the Queen, he might be willing to help us."

"That's a lotta 'ifs' and 'mights'," growled the Cheshire Catwoman.

"Do you have a better idea?" asked the Mad Hatter.

The Cheshire Catwoman nodded. "I assume the reason this girl is here is because she was mistaken for Alice by the Queen of Hearts?" she asked, flicking her tail at Harley again. "The Queen shouted something about Alice as we escaped. Considering Alice is our only hope against the Monster, why don't we tell the Dark Knight that we've brought him Alice? Have this girl pretend to be her. You know the Dark Knight has been battling the Monster for ages, and if the prophecies are true, Alice has the power to finally defeat him. The Dark Knight would owe us for such a great gift, owe us enough to give us safety."

"And then when fake Alice doesn't defeat the Monster, and the Dark Knight finds out we lied to him, what then?" asked the Mad Hatter.

"We worry about that when we come to it," retorted the Cheshire Catwoman. "I'm thinking short-term solutions at this point. That might be all the time we have left anyway if the rumors about the Monster destroying Wonderland are true."

"Hang on, I'm not gonna pretend to be Alice so I have to fight some terrifying monster!" snapped Harley. "What if I'm killed?"

"You'll be killed either way," retorted the Cheshire Catwoman. "If you get caught by the Queen of Hearts, she'll either make you face the Monster, or chop off your head. So you'll be as dead then as you will if you come with us to see the Dark Knight. And we'll all be dead when the Monster comes anyway, so really, it's pretty unavoidable."

"Not if I get outta here!" snapped Harley. "I don't belong in this crazy, mixed-up world – I belong back in Gotham! You gotta get me home!"

They all three shared a look. "I'm afraid that's quite impossible, my dear," said the Scarecrow, slowly. "The only person who has the power to move people between Wonderland and the other worlds is the Queen of Hearts. And she will obviously be very reluctant to help you return to your home until you've defeated the Monster, being, as she thinks, Alice."

"Is there any way we can get Alice down here?" demanded Harley. "I'm not gonna die for no reason when she might actually be able to defeat this thing!"

They all three shook their heads. "Again, the only person with the power to bring her would be the Queen," said the Scarecrow. "And she's under the impression that you're Alice. It's very unlikely that you could convince her she's mistaken. She is not a person who takes criticism with good grace, or admits when she's wrong."

Harley sighed heavily. "Really? Nobody else can get me back to Gotham?" she asked.

"Well…maybe the Dark Knight," said the Cheshire Catwoman, slowly. "He's a very secretive, mysterious figure, and no one knows the true extent of his powers. But the only way to discover that is to go see him. And the only way he won't kill us on sight is to convince him that you're Alice. Then maybe you can convince him that in order to defeat the Monster, you need to be sent back to Gotham for weapons. Once he does this, you can send back the real Alice in your place to defeat the Monster and bring peace to Wonderland."

"Sounds like a convoluted, dangerous plan," said Harley.

"I really don't see what other choice we have," sighed the Mad Hatter. "We're on the run from the Queen and the Knave, our land is about to be attacked by a horrible monster any day now, we've got the wrong Alice, and we've missed tea time," he sighed, glancing at his pocket watch. "I don't know how things could get any worse."


	5. Chapter 5

"So how are you able to conjure up monsters like that?" asked Harley of the Scarecrow as they walked. "It sure looked and sounded pretty real to me! Is it magic?"

"It's a fear gas of my own invention," said the Scarecrow, proudly. "It took many, many attempts to make it as effective as it is now – I have the power to frighten hundreds of people simultaneously to extraordinary effect, as you've seen. The process was slow, and not at all what I wanted initially. It conjured up visions of the bizarre and the fantastic, for as we all know, humanity intrinsically fears that which it does not understand. The effect was more uncanny than unnerving – people would see rabbits in waistcoats and caterpillars smoking hookahs and that sort of thing. Bizarre, but not terrifying. That wasn't my goal. So with a lot more trials and failures, I finally achieved the success you saw at the Queen of Hearts's palace."

"So you didn't actually create the look of that monster – everyone just saw what they interpreted the Monster to look like?" asked Harley.

"Yes, exactly," said the Scarecrow, nodding. "What was it for you?"

"This giant, dragon thing," said Harley. "What about you, Jervis?"

"Oh yes, very similar," agreed the Mad Hatter, nodding. "With jaws that bite and claws that catch and eyes of flame and burbling as it came."

"Is that similar to how the Monster really looks?" asked Harley.

"Nobody knows," said the Cheshire Catwoman, who stalked on ahead. "Nobody who has ever seen the Monster has lived to tell about it."

"Oh. So how do you know there _is_ a monster?" asked Harley, slowly.

"It left a note at one of its crime scenes," replied the Mad Hatter. "Among the horribly smiling corpses of the dead, it expressed its desire to control all of Wonderland, and signed its name. That…name that I already told you in the dungeons."

"You said its name?" demanded the Scarecrow. "Jervis, you know how dangerous that is!"

"Johnny, you're a man of science – you can't seriously believe that saying the name of something is bad luck," retorted Harley. "Scientists don't believe in superstitious stuff like that."

"I _am_ a man of science, my dear, but things in this world do not often conform to strict scientific rules," replied the Scarecrow. "In fact, the more time you spend in Wonderland, the more you will realize that it is a completely mad place, devoid of any sense or reason."

"To be honest, based on my experiences so far, I kinda already figured that out," retorted Harley. "But if it was able to sign its name, it can't be a giant dragon-thing, can it? They don't have opposable thumbs, and they probably can't read."

"I can sign my name and read, and I'm a cat," retorted the Cheshire Catwoman. "We told you – things are different here than in your world. Nothing has to make sense."

"That is, it doesn't have to make sense as you see it, but who's to say that nonsense isn't sense, from a certain point of view?" asked the Mad Hatter.

"…Right," said Harley, slowly. "So…what if we encounter this monster on our travels, but we won't recognize it because we won't know what it looks like?"

"Well, if we encounter it, we're dead," retorted the Mad Hatter. "It doesn't leave survivors. That's how we'll know."

"That's technically a paradox – we won't know, because we'll be dead," said the Scarecrow. "A most ingenious paradox…"

They were crossing a bridge over a stream at that moment when something sprang out of the water with a roar, landing in front of them. It was a huge crocodile-man, with sharp teeth and claws.

"It's the Jokerwocky!" shrieked Harley, terrified.

"Where?" exclaimed the crocodile-man, who also looked terrified.

"Harley! What have we told you about that name?" demanded the Mad Hatter. "Do you want to bring the Monster down on us?!"

"No, I just thought...that was the Monster," said Harley, pointing at the crocodile-man.

"Me? No, I'm Killer Croc," retorted the crocodile-man. "Why would you think I was the Monster?"

"Oh, I dunno – maybe because you jumped out at us roaring, and have sharp teeth and claws!" snapped Harley.

"You're describing half of Wonderland there," sighed the Scarecrow. "Good morning, Croc – how are you today?"

"I'm fine. What are you guys doing in these parts?" asked Croc.

"We're on the run from the Queen and the Knave," replied the Mad Hatter. "They think we've taken Alice, but it's the wrong Alice."

"I see," said Croc, nodding as if this all made perfect sense to him. "Well, how do you do, Wrong Alice?" he asked, turning to Harley.

"Uh…the name's Harley," said Harley, slowly.

"You wanna hear a poem?" asked Killer Croc.

"A what?" demanded Harley.

"A poem," repeated Killer Croc.

"Uh…we're on the run, like he said, so we kinda don't have time for a poem…" began Harley, slowly.

"Harley, it's most rude not to listen to a poem here when one has offered to recite one," snapped the Mad Hatter. "It's common courtesy in Wonderland, and we don't want to have bad manners, do we? Even when our life is at stake, we must not act like barbarians, and maintain proper etiquette at all times. Go ahead, Croc," he said, nodding.

Croc cleared his throat. "How doth the giant crocodile, improve his common speech, by reciting rhymes and poetry, every single day and each. With such good form a savage brute, though rough around the scales, can have the manners of a man, while still having a tail."

Everyone applauded, except Harley, who just looked around in confusion. "So…this is normal here?" she asked. "You meet people, they recite poems, you applaud?"

"Yes, and then we move on," said the Mad Hatter. "Lovely to see you again, Croc. And thank you for the most entertaining poem."

"You're welcome," said Croc, cheerfully. "Good luck evading the Queen and the Knave. Hope you don't get your heads chopped off. Nice to meet you, Wrong Alice," he said, nodding at Harley. He then dove into the water again.

"Well, let's press on," said the Scarecrow, and he, the Mad Hatter, and the Cheshire Catwoman continued walking as if nothing unusual had just happened.

Harley rolled her eyes and followed them, muttering, "You'd find more sense in a madhouse, I tell ya…"


	6. Chapter 6

"You expect me to believe that Croc can recite poetry?" interrupted Tetch, breaking in on the story. "The man can barely string two words together. Though I suppose I am flattered that you've listened to me recite the poem so often, you can parody it."

"Well, annoying things get stuck in your head, even when you try to tune 'em out," said Joker, shrugging. "Like commercial jingles, or Harley's nagging. Anyway, everyone in that story is always reciting crap – I just assume it's some Wonderland thing."

"They're not crap!" snapped Tetch. "They're utterly brilliant nonsense poems!"

"Y'know, I think 'brilliant nonsense' is sorta a contradiction in terms," said Joker.

"Says the man who devotes his so-called genius to jokes," retorted Tetch.

"Hey! Less fighting, more story!" snapped Harley.

"Well, somebody's enjoying it!" chuckled Joker. "What about you kiddies?"

"It's great, Daddy, but I really hope we get to see the Jokerwocky soon," said Arleen. "I don't like being kept in suspense."

"Yeah, I bet it's gonna look awesome," said J.J., nodding.

"But not too frightening, I hope," spoke up Alice. "I don't like being frightened."

"There's nothing to be frightened about, my angel – I'm here," said Tetch, comfortingly. "And no monsters, real or otherwise, are going to harm you while I'm around."

"Yeah, you're really brave and tough," agreed Joker, sarcastically. "This is a man who bursts into tears if someone mentions the Boston Tea Party."

Sure enough, tears came to Tetch's eyes. "Well, can you blame me?" he demanded. "All that lovely tea wasted! It's probably the worst tragedy in the history of mankind!"

"Yeah, eat your heart out, the Holocaust," said Joker, nodding. "That's nothing compared to a little tea spill. Anyway, you've got no one to blame but yourself for the Boston Tea Party – shouldn't have forced taxation without representation, you limey jerk."

"Maybe you Americans should learn to control your temper and not take your aggression out on innocent, delicious-tasting beverages," retorted Tetch.

"Don't worry – I take mine out on innocent people!" chuckled Joker. "Anyway, my point is you're probably about as competent protecting Alice from monsters as you are protecting Harley from the Jokerwocky in my story. Which is to say, severely incompetent. But I'm getting ahead of myself. So anyway, the Mad Hatter, the Scarecrow, the Cheshire Catwoman, and Harley all kept trekking across Wonderland, when they came to a clearing in a wood, where a house stood. There was a fat man standing outside, pouring a barrel of fish into a pen of what appeared to be penguins."

Harley didn't even bother to ask how penguins survived in a pen in a temperate climate – she was getting used to this nonsense stuff.

"Good afternoon, Cobblepot," said the Mad Hatter. "How are your penguins today?"

"What kind of question is that?" asked the fat man, turning to him. " _How_ are my penguins? Do you mean how do they exist? Are you inquiring after the nature of their existential state? Or how they appear?"

"I was inquiring after their health," replied the Mad Hatter.

"Why? Do they look ill?" asked the fat man, concerned.

"No, it's just…common courtesy," said the Mad Hatter, slowly. "Honestly, this is too much nonsense even for me."

"You're the one who's not speaking plainly and complicating things," retorted the fat man. "It's not nonsense – it's logic."

"No, it ain't," snapped a voice, as another, identical-looking fat man emerged from inside the house. "Contrariwise, it's nonsense."

"How are you, Cobblekettle?" asked the Mad Hatter. "By which I mean I'm inquiring after your health."

"Can't complain," said the second fat man, shrugging.

"Contrariwise, he can," retorted the first. "And does."

"These are the Penguin twins, Cobblepot and Cobblekettle," said the Mad Hatter, nodding at Harley. "This is Harley, the Wrong Alice."

"Contrariwise, she might be the Right Alice," said Cobblekettle.

"Who's to say?" agreed Cobblepot, nodding.

"Me," snapped Harley. "I'm not Alice. Not any kinda Alice. Not the Right or the Wrong Alice. I'm just Harley."

"Would you like to hear a poem?" asked Cobblekettle.

Harley sighed. "How about we just shake hands to introduce ourselves instead?" she asked.

They both nodded and held out their hands to her, and then instantly began dancing around in a ring with her.

"So it's either poetry or dancing here, huh?" asked Harley, breaking away at last. "We can't just not act like lunatics?"

"Of course not – we're all mad here," retorted the Cheshire Catwoman.

"What brings you…to this part…of Wonderland?" asked Cobblepot between gasps as he and his twin brother caught their breath from the exertion of dancing.

"Contrariwise…what doesn't bring you…to other parts…of Wonderland?" chimed in Cobblekettle.

"We're on the run from the Queen and the Knave," said the Mad Hatter. "We're trying to get to the Batcave to see the Dark Knight so he can perhaps send the Wrong Alice back to her home and summon the Right Alice instead."

"Seems like a suicide mission," retorted Cobblepot.

"Contrariwise, it doesn't," said Cobblekettle. "It sounds more sensible than waiting for the Queen to catch you."

"Or the Knave," agreed Cobblepot.

"Well done for eluding them so far," said Cobblekettle. "That must take some skill."

"Contrariwise, it must take some luck," said Cobblepot. "Lucky that the Knave hasn't figured out your plan for the Wrong Alice and set up an ambush for you."

"Contrariwise, perhaps he has," retorted Cobblekettle. "Perhaps he knew you'd be coming this way and asked us to distract you while he prepared an ambush. Perhaps he's about to spring the trap right now."

"Contrariwise, perhaps he isn't," snapped Cobblepot.

At that moment, a group of playing card guards emerged from the encircling forest, surrounding them. The Knave of Hearts stepped in front of them, smiling triumphantly at the fugitives.

"There, you see? Perhaps he is," said Cobblekettle, smugly.

"Thank you, Cobblepot and Cobblekettle," the Knave said to the twins. "Your reward is that your penguins get to live."

"We really should have known they'd double cross us," growled the Scarecrow. "Knowing the Knave's obsession with duality, it seems obvious he'd choose twins to be his spies."

"It wasn't a voluntary betrayal," insisted Cobblepot.

"Contrariwise, it might have been," said Cobblekettle, shrugging.

"Arrest the fugitives," ordered the Knave at the guards. A playing card approached Harley, who reached out a hand and shoved it violently away. Being a playing card, it folded easily, collapsing to the ground.

"They're nothing but a pack of cards," Harley said to the others. "We can take them!"

"But Harley, they've found us, fair and square," said the Mad Hatter, shrugging. "They've won the game of hide and seek. It would be unsportsmanlike to resist arrest now."

"Unsportsmanlike?" repeated Harley incredulously. "You're going to be executed when the Queen gets you back to her palace! You're gonna sacrifice your life for good sportsmanship?!"

"It would be the gentlemanly thing to do," agreed the Scarecrow.

"I don't believe this!" exclaimed Harley. "I'm not surrendering without a fight! Selina, you ain't a gentleman! C'mon!" she shrieked, shoving another card to the ground.

The Cheshire Catwoman shrugged. "If this is unsportsmanlike, I like it," she said, pouncing suddenly on a card.

"Get them!" roared the Knave, and all the cards rushed Harley and Selina at once. They shared a look, and then charged them, shoving them back which knocked all the others back consecutively, in a domino effect.

"Johnny, Jervis, come on!" roared Harley, grabbing their arms and racing toward the shelter of the forest. They ran through the woods, hearing the shouts of the Knave grow fainter and fainter.

"Please tell me this is the way to the Batcave!" snapped Harley.

"Yes, not far now," said the Mad Hatter. "You'll know it when you see it."

"How?" asked Harley.

"Because you'll see the Bat," said the Mad Hatter.

"What…" began Harley, but they suddenly heard a high-pitched screeching above their heads, and the tops of the trees shuddered as something huge passed through the air over them.

"Is that…the Jokerwocky?" whispered Harley.

"Stop saying that name!" snapped the Cheshire Catwoman.

"No," murmured the Scarecrow. "That's not the Monster. That's the Man-Bat."


	7. Chapter 7

"The what?" demanded Harley.

"He guards the entrance to the Dark Knight's lair," said the Scarecrow. "If we want to see the Dark Knight, we have to get past him."

"And nobody has ever got past the Man-Bat alive," said the Mad Hatter, nodding.

"Well, that's reassuring," muttered Harley, as they peered through the gaps in the trees to see a huge, craggy cavern in front of them, gaping like a set of open, toothless jaws. Suddenly, a giant creature landed in front of the entrance, and settled itself down in front of it.

Harley glared at the creature. "There's gotta be a way past it. This is Wonderland, right? Anything's possible."

"Nobody ever said that about Wonderland," retorted the Mad Hatter. "It is a place of nonsense, not necessarily a place of possibilities."

"Well, I sometimes believe as many as six impossible things before breakfast," said Harley. "And getting past this Man-Bat is gonna be one of them, or my name ain't Harleen Frances Quinzel."

"It's not here – it's the Wrong Alice," retorted the Cheshire Catwoman.

"Shut up," snapped Harley. "Does this Man-Bat speak English? Maybe we could just go up to him and explain the situation and he'll let us through."

"I suppose it's worth a try," said the Mad Hatter, nodding.

"Are you mad?" demanded the Scarecrow. "It sounds incredibly dangerous! Whoever decides to do it will almost certainly be killed!"

"Don't look at me," retorted the Cheshire Catwoman.

"It was Harley's suggestion," said the Mad Hatter.

"No, she can't go!" snapped the Scarecrow.

"Why not?" asked the Mad Hatter. "She's the Wrong Alice. She's technically expendable."

"She's not! She's unique and beautiful!" snapped the Scarecrow. "Selina, you go."

"Hey, I'm unique and beautiful too!" snapped Selina. "Make Jervis do it."

"I don't believe six impossible things before breakfast," said the Mad Hatter.

"Oh, I'll just do it!" snapped Harley, striding out of the woods before anyone could stop her. Man-Bat turned to look at her, its hideous face glaring and letting out a warning shriek.

"Can you…uh…understand me?" asked Harley, slowly.

"I understand you're trespassing," hissed Man-Bat. "Which means you will be torn apart."

"I'm trespassing for a good cause," said Harley. "See, I'm the Wrong Alice. Well, technically I'm not _any_ Alice, my name's Harley, but I'm called the Wrong Alice because I was brought here by the Queen of Hearts but I'm not the Alice who's supposed to slay the Jokerwocky, so…"

"You speak nonsense," growled Man-Bat.

"Yeah, so does everyone here," retorted Harley. "I'm fitting in…"

"I don't like nonsense," interrupted Man-Bat. "My master the Dark Knight and I, we wish to eradicate nonsense from Wonderland. Make it a place of grim darkness and brooding night."

"Wow, that doesn't sound very fun," said Harley, slowly. "I don't think that would be a great place to live. I know I wouldn't like to live anywhere that wasn't fun."

"We will eradicate fun," hissed Man-Bat. "Fun leads to disorder and chaos. There will be only order and justice in our New Wonderland. The Dark Knight will make it so once he slays the Queen of Hearts, and the Jokerwocky."

"Oh…you're not afraid to say its name?" asked Harley.

"There is also no place for ridiculous superstition in New Wonderland," retorted Man-Bat. "The Jokerwocky is nothing to be afraid of – he has no power, and he never will. Only the foolish and cowardly would be afraid of him. My master the Dark Knight is not. And he does not have time to be bothered by trespassers. So I'll just take care of you for him," he muttered, advancing on her and spreading his giant wings with razor sharp claws at the ends. He hissed, baring all of his sharp, white teeth as Harley turned and ran at full speed back toward the safety of the trees. Man-Bat followed her, flapping its wings and gaining on her. He flew over her and prepared to pounce…

When she heard an explosive sound, and saw Man-Bat's wing with a hole blown through it. Man-Bat howled in pain, whirling around. "You!" he snarled.

He was cut off by another cry of pain as another explosion rang out. "Run!" shouted a figure standing on top of the Batcave, and pointing a device at Man-Bat. "I'll take care of this!"

Harley didn't need to be told twice – she pelted toward the trees, hearing Man-Bat roaring in rage and turning to attack the figure. Harley watched between the branches as something fired from the device, exploded upon impact, and took off Man-Bat's head. It fell to the ground, dead.

The figure hopped down from the top of the Batcave, chuckling. "Talk about off with his head, huh?" he laughed. "Eat your heart out, your majesty!"

The figure whistled happily as it pulled a knife from his belt and cut the letter J into the body. Then he dragged the body toward the cave entrance, and shoved it inside. "Hey Bats, got a present for you!" it called inside. "Special delivery, and DOA!"

The figure cackled, throwing off its hood to reveal a clown face, bleached white with bright red lips and green eyes. It replaced the device it had used to kill Man-Bat on its belt, and then called into the woods, "It's ok – you can come out now."

"That…that was amazing, thank you," stammered Harley, emerging from the forest with the others and staring at the clown in fascination.

"What was that thing you used to kill it?" asked the Mad Hatter.

"It's called a gun," retorted the clown. "They don't seem to have these here, but superior firepower gives you a heckuva advantage, let me tell you."

"Well…I'm really glad you were there," said Harley.

"Yeah, me too," agreed the clown, nodding. "Been wanting to eliminate the Dark Knight's guard-bat for a long time now, but I knew I only had a chance if I could catch him off guard. Thanks for providing the distraction."

"No problem," said Harley, slowly. "Um…I'm Harley, this is Jervis, Johnny, and Selina," she said, gesturing to her companions in turn.

"Hi, I'm the Jokerwocky," said the clown, nodding at them.

They all stared at him for a moment, and then everyone except Harley leapt back in terror. " _You're_ the Jokerwocky?!" exclaimed the Scarecrow. "But…but that's not possible! It's a monster!"

"Been called a lotta things in my time," agreed the clown, nodding. "Monster among them. You were probably expecting some kinda dragon thing, huh? Not surprised – you get misunderstandings like that when you use vague words like monster."

"But…but you're just a man!" exclaimed the Scarecrow.

"Just a man who killed the Man-Bat," snapped the Jokerwocky, nodding. "And a whole buncha other creatures in this insane asylum too. I think that's pretty impressive, and frankly, it's no worse than what your Queen does. But for some reason, I'm the bad guy here."

"You're trying to take over Wonderland!" exclaimed the Mad Hatter.

"Who told you that?" asked the Jokerwocky.

"The Queen of Hearts made a proclamation…" began the Mad Hatter.

"Of course she's responsible for the misunderstanding," sighed the Jokerwocky, rolling his eyes. "I don't want to take over Wonderland - you couldn't pay me to run this joint. I'm just trying to get that stupid Queen of yours to concede to my demands. Namely, getting outta this nonsensical hellhole and back to where I came from."

"Where did you come from?" asked Harley.

"A place way above here," said the Jokerwocky, nodding upward. "Called Gotham."

"Really? Me too!" said Harley. "I'm also trying to get back there – the Queen dragged me down here by mistake because she thought I was Alice."

"Who's Alice?" asked the Jokerwocky.

"The one who has been prophesied to destroy you," retorted the Mad Hatter.

"Prophesied by who?" demanded the Jokerwocky.

"…the ancient prophets of Wonderland," said the Mad Hatter, slowly.

"Really? They could see that far in the future to determine every little detail of what's gonna happen? They could see that the Queen of Hearts was gonna come to power, and drag randomers down to this place who would be so angry at that that they'd start killing people until the Queen sent 'em back to where they came from?" demanded the Jokerwocky. "That's a lotta variables they took into account for a time when they'd be long dead. You'd think they'd have had better things to do with their time, like pick the winning lottery numbers."

"The ways of the ancients of Wonderland are sacred and mysterious, and not to be questioned," snapped the Mad Hatter.

"Sounds like a lotta crap, just like everything in this nuthouse," snapped the Jokerwocky. "Y'know, I'm a guy who generally embraces crazy, but this isn't fun crazy. It's crazy for nerds who like poetry and dancing and tea parties."

"It's so refreshing to find somebody else who feels out of place here," said Harley, beaming in relief. "We're on the run from the Queen and Knave, and we were hoping the Dark Knight might be able to send me back to Gotham, but he probably wouldn't want to help you after you killed his pet…"

"He ain't exactly a helpful kinda guy," said the Jokerwocky, nodding. "Plus he doesn't have the power to do that. Believe me, I've fought him lots of times. He's nothing but a man either, but he uses his secrecy to convince people that he's supernatural and magic. It's just cheap psychological showboating from a cowardly charlatan."

He spat on the Man-Bat's body in the cave. "If you're serious about getting back to Gotham, there's only one way," he continued, turning back to Harley. "We've gotta capture the Queen of Hearts and make her do it."

"But that would involve an assault on her palace!" said the Cheshire Catwoman. "She's surrounded by hundreds of guards, plus the Knave! We'd be completely outnumbered, and killed instantly!"

The Jokerwocky shook his head. "If the Dark Knight can use cheap tricks, so can we," he said. "Sometimes it's not about quantity of allies, but quality, and sometimes it's not about the direct approach, but a little theatricality. But fine, if you don't wanna help me take her down, I'll just do it myself," he said, turning and stalking back toward the woods.

"No, wait!" cried Harley, racing after him. "What did you have in mind?"

He shook his head. "Not here. Follow me back to my hideout, and we'll talk."

Harley nodded, and looked toward the others, who hung back. "Well, c'mon," she said.

"Harley, let's think about this for a moment," said the Scarecrow, slowly. "He's the Jokerwocky. Why would we trust a monster?"

"Because you don't have any choice," snapped the Jokerwocky. "You know I'm not gonna kill you, not yet anyway. But you don't know that about the Dark Knight. You can trust me, or you can head in there to your deaths," he said, nodding at the Batcave. "You all may be crazy, but you ain't dumb. So just follow me."

They obeyed reluctantly. "Um…what should I call you?" asked Harley, keeping pace with the Jokerwocky. "I mean, Jokerwocky's quite a mouthful…"

"Call me J," he said.

"J," she repeated. "What part of Gotham are you from?"

"Look, sweetheart, I ain't one for a lotta chit chat," he retorted, glancing around the trees. "Plus enemies are lurking everywhere here, and every tree could be a spy for the Queen. Just shut up until we're safe at my hideout."

"He's charming," said the Cheshire Catwoman, sarcastically. "No wonder he's known as a monster."

"Yes, it's a very apt description," agreed the Scarecrow, nodding. "Wouldn't you agree, Harley?"

"Uh…sure," said Harley, staring after the Jokerwocky. "Monster, right."

But for a monster, she thought, following him deeper into the forest, he was pretty cute.


	8. Chapter 8

"In conclusion, your majesty, should the Monster decide to attack, we have approximately a 0.293 percent chance of surviving the assault. Rounded to the nearest thousandth percentile."

The Queen of Hearts glared at the man dressed in a green question mark outfit in front of her, and then turned to her Ventriloquist advisor. "Really? You talked me outta cutting off his head for this?" she demanded. "Well, I'm not making the same mistake twice. Off with his head!" she snapped, gesturing at the man.

"I really don't think I deserve to be executed just for speaking the truth!" exclaimed Edward Nygma, the Riddler, as the playing card guards came forward to drag him off.

"Well, I'm queen, and you're not," retorted the Queen of Hearts, shrugging. "So the only thing that matters is what I think. And I think you deserve to lose your head. So off with it," she repeated, motioning for the guards to take him away.

It was at that moment that the door to the throne room was thrown open, and a man strode in, dragging the Knave of Hearts behind him, tied and beaten. The man threw the Knave at the Queen's feet, and she looked up in astonishment at the man who had brought him. He was a huge, hulking figure, dressed in black armor, his face covered by a bat-shaped helmet.

"How dare you?" demanded the Queen of Hearts, her surprise turning to fury. "How dare you storm into my palace and treat my Knave so harshly…"

"I don't have time for a lotta pleasantries, your majesty," interrupted the armored man, in a deep voice. "Your Knave was in my territory – you're lucky he's still alive."

"I was hunting the fugitives, your majesty – they escaped from me into the Dark Knight's territory," snapped the Knave of Hearts, nodding at the armored man.

"And were picked up by the Jokerwocky," growled the Dark Knight. "Who killed my servant."

The Queen of Hearts stood up. "You mean…the Monster has Alice?" she demanded, furiously. "But he'll kill her! She's the only person capable of destroying him!"

"Not the only person," retorted the Dark Knight. "I don't believe in these so-called prophecies of Wonderland. The Jokerwocky is nothing but a man, and a man can be killed by anyone with enough strength and power. And that's where you come in, your majesty."

The Queen glared at him, folding her arms across her chest. "I'm listening," she said.

"We both want the Jokerwocky dead," said the Dark Knight. "I've been trying to defeat him for a long time, to no avail. And so have you. Our philosophies might be different, as are our goals for Wonderland, but neither of us want to see it fall into the hands of the Jokerwocky, who will bring chaos and madness untold into an already chaotic and mad land. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. I propose we join forces, unite to save Wonderland from this monster, and once he's dead, resume our mutually antagonistic relationship."

The Queen of Hearts nodded slowly. "That seems…satisfactory," she said. "But perhaps our relationship doesn't need to end antagonistically, the more we get to know each other," she added with a smile, as she came over to him. "After all, any man who could beat up my Knave has to be…quite a man."

She studied the Dark Knight's impressive build, and then adjusted the bodice on her dress. "Do you like what you see?" she asked.

"I would like to discuss the destruction of the Jokerwocky with you," growled the Dark Knight. "We should make the first move and attack him if we can."

"Of course, we'll talk over tea," said the Queen of Hearts, snapping her fingers. "Scarface, bring us some tea!" she snapped. "And off with his head, I said!" she shouted at Nygma.

She resumed her charming smile at the Dark Knight, taking his arm. "Follow me, my Dark Knight," she purred, leading him out to the gardens.

"Your majesty," said the Knave, who was glaring from her to the Dark Knight. "Let me go after the fugitives again and catch them for you. I won't fail you."

"You already did," retorted the Queen, with a sneer. "Anyway, you're in no fit state to go traipsing around Wonderland, thanks to my Dark Knight. If anyone's capable of slaying the Jokerwocky, it's him, not some pathetic girl. So you are relieved of your duties for the present. Why don't you go eat something to make yourself feel better – I'm sure there's some cake around here that can fix your broken nose. But there's no cake that will fix your missing head if you ever fail me again, understand?"

She wandered off with the Dark Knight on her arm. The Knave of Hearts gazed after them, gritting his teeth. "Let me get you some tea too, Harvey…" began the Ventriloquist.

"I don't want tea!" snarled the Knave, shoving him away. "I want that stupid knight to get his hands off my Queen!"

"Technically she's the one with hands on him…" began the dummy, until the Knave struck it a blow in the mouth that knocked its jaw off.

"Mr. Scarface, there's only so many times I can repair your jaw," sighed the Ventriloquist. "You really must stop speaking unwanted truths to people."

"I'll get her back," growled the Knave, storming off. "You just watch. I'll get rid of that goddamn knight and get her back."

…

"Joker, why on earth would you put Batman in this story?" demanded Jervis Tetch, breaking in on the narrative as he held Alice tightly, who had her face buried in his chest, shivering in terror. "You know how terribly he frightens my goddaughter, and for good reason!"

"Well, who else was gonna be the bad guy?" asked Joker.

"I thought Poison Ivy was," retorted Tetch. "The Queen of Hearts is traditionally the villain in adaptations of the Wonderland stories."

"Can't ever have too many villains, that's my motto!" chuckled Joker. "And DC's too, apparently – they got new ones cropping up all the time. None to rival my greatness, naturally, but still…"

"We don't like Batman either, Alice," said Arleen, gently. "But knowing Daddy, he'll make him suffer some horrible humiliation. He usually does in his stories."

"Frankly, I think being pawed by the Weed Lady is humiliation enough!" laughed Joker. "But don't you worry, princess, there will be lots more to come. Now c'mon, kid, you gotta man up," he said, nodding at Alice. "I don't wanna stop this story just because of your psychological trauma. Stop ruining it for everyone."

"Mr. J!" snapped Harley. "That's not how we talk to children! How would you feel if it was Leenie who was scared?"

"She wouldn't be, because she ain't a wuss," retorted Joker.

"How about a cookie, sweetie?" asked Harley, ignoring him and addressing Alice. "Would that make it all better?"

"No," murmured Alice. "But I would appreciate one, if you'd be so kind."

"C'mon, kid, you can't live your life being afraid of stuff," said Joker. "You'll turn out like that freak Johnny Crane. Anyway, Batman ain't scary, not once you get to know him, anyway."

"He's a lunatic who hurts people," whispered Alice.

"Well, so am I, and you ain't scared of me, are you?" asked Joker.

"Yes," retorted Alice.

"Well, you're smarter than you look, then," said Joker, as Harley returned from the kitchen with a cookie for Alice. "Where's my cookie?" he demanded of Harley.

"You can't eat and tell a story at the same time," retorted Harley, handing them out to the twins and Tetch, and taking one for herself. She seated herself back on Joker's lap, taking a bite out of the cookie and smiling at him.

"And…they defeated the Dark Knight and the Queen of Hearts and lived happily ever after," snapped Joker. "Now gimme the cookie."

"No, Daddy, finish the story properly!" snapped Arleen.

"I'll save mine for you, Daddy," said J.J. "But only if you finish the story the right way."

"And what do you know, that's the last cookie," said Harley, popping the remains of hers into her mouth. "So you'd better finish the story the right way, puddin'."

Joker glared at her. "Nobody blackmails the Joker!" he snapped. "But I do have a weak spot when it comes to cookies, so fine. And that's some good bargaining, J.J. – you remember that skill when you get to do your first professional blackmail," he said, nodding. "Promise 'em something they really want, and the best part is, you don't even have to give it to 'em at the end – you can just kill 'em, and then the joke will be on them! Except in this case, you actually do have to give me the cookie, or I won't be happy. Now where was I? Oh yes. _The Queen of Hearts behaved like a tart, all on a summer's day. The Knave of Hearts obeyed the tart, and followed the prisoners away. The Dark Knight wants a Jokerwocky fight, and beat the Knave full sore. The Knave of Hearts wants back his tart, and vows he'll steal no more_."

"Now who's reciting poetry like a freak?" muttered Tetch, cuddling Alice as she settled down to hear the rest of the story.


	9. Chapter 9

"I've made some tea!" said the Mad Hatter, cheerfully.

"Great. You have that – I'm having something a little stronger," said the Jokerwocky, pulling out a bottle of whiskey from a chest in his hideout.

The Mad Hatter's face fell. "But…it's time for tea," he said, slowly.

"Maybe for you," retorted the Jokerwocky. "I don't have to abide by your crazy rules. How can a world that prides itself on being nonsensical have rigid rules about tea and when to drink it?"

"All the more reason to keep to a scheduled teatime," retorted Tetch. "So you don't lose your sanity completely, and still have something to depend upon. The citizens of the British Empire in India in the Victorian era would do things like dress for dinner so that they wouldn't go native - it's the same principle."

"I ain't British or Victorian. And I prefer whiskey, like I said," retorted the Jokerwocky, pouring himself a glass. "You guys keep your tea."

"Can I have whiskey too?" asked Harley. "I've just…had kinda a rough day."

The Jokerwocky shrugged, pouring her a glass. "So what's your big plan for getting to the Queen?" she asked.

"Not much of a plan, really – I'm more of an improvisor," said the Jokerwocky, shrugging. "But when you're outnumbered, you've got to think smart, and use deceptions. Which is why I was thinking some sort of distraction while one or two of us slip into the palace unnoticed and find the Queen."

"Well, we already used my fear gas distraction," retorted the Scarecrow. "They won't fall for that twice."

"What if we _could_ actually outnumber her and her guards?" asked Harley. "I mean, everyone in Wonderland must kinda hate the Queen of Hearts, right? If she just beheads people randomly, I mean. Surely you guys have friends here who would join you in rising up against her?"

"You're talking about a revolution to overthrow the Queen?" asked Tetch. He shook his head. "That's dreadfully un-English."

"And if we failed, she'd behead us all," said the Cheshire Catwoman.

"She's going to behead you all anyway if she catches you," retorted Harley. "And frankly, even if you hadn't rescued me, she probably would have executed you randomly one day eventually. How can you live with such an unstable monarch, in fear for your lives all the time?"

"Well, it does provide a wonderful setting for me to have developed my fear toxin in," said the Scarecrow.

"We're used to it, I guess," said the Cheshire Catwoman, shrugging. "That's just the way things are in Wonderland. Insane. Always have been, always will be."

"I don't accept that," said Harley. "If you're not happy with a situation, you shouldn't just accept it either. You should change it if you can. And you can always fight."

"You're wasting your breath, toots," retorted the Jokerwocky, knocking back his drink. "Nobody fights here. They all just do goofy things like recite poetry and have tea. They ain't got the guts for a revolution."

"They just need a reason to fight," said Harley. "You have to believe things can change. You have to hope."

The Jokerwocky shook his head. "There's no hope here, toots. There's nothing but madness. You can walk into a room, and suddenly there's no gravity. Or you can drink something and suddenly be a different size. Living in a place like this…it does things to your mind after awhile. And I gotta get outta here before I go crazier."

"Did you bring any of those 'drink me' potions, Jervis?" asked the Cheshire Catwoman. "I could go for a size change about now. They're wonderful exercise, and we kinda do it as recreation here."

"You could do that, or you could try and get the Queen to drink one and shrink her down until she's the size of a mouse," said Harley. "She wouldn't be so threatening then."

"How in Wonderland would we do that?" asked the Scarecrow.

"Put it in her tea," said the Mad Hatter, sipping from his cup. "Everyone drinks tea here. But to do that, we'd need to get close to her somehow."

"Or find someone who is," said the Cheshire Catwoman, nodding.

"Do you know anyone who's close to the Queen?" asked Harley.

They all three shook their heads. "Well, scratch that plan, then," she sighed.

"Don't worry, Harley, we'll think of something," said the Scarecrow. "Just sit down and have a cup of tea."

"I can't just sit here like the rest of you!" snapped Harley. "I can't just stay calm and accept this situation! I'm far away from home in some insane world, with an insane Queen after my head! I need some time alone," she snapped, heading for the door.

"But it's not safe out there…" began the Scarecrow.

"Safer than all of you are in here with me like this!" snapped Harley. She left the hideout, slamming the door behind her. The house was surrounded by a forest of giant mushrooms, and Harley pulled herself up onto one of these and sat with her knees pulled up to her chest. She watched as a bread-and-butter-fly fluttered through the sky.

"Hey," said a voice.

She turned to see the Jokerwocky standing behind her. "Mind if I join you?" he asked.

She shook her head, and he climbed up onto the mushroom next to her. "If it's any consolation, I know how you feel," he said at last. "I was as hopping mad as you when I was first dragged down to this nuthouse."

"I don't know how you've coped being here as long as you have," said Harley.

He shrugged. "Always was good at adapting to a little madness," he said with a grin.

"Why did the Queen drag you down here anyway?" asked Harley.

"She said she needed a new King of Hearts," replied the Jokerwocky. "Apparently that's something she does to men she doesn't like, which is basically all men. She makes 'em marry her, serve her, and then executes 'em when she gets bored of them. I guess she'd run outta suitable victims down here, so she started hunting around other worlds. I was just unfortunate enough to be picked, I guess. I managed to escape from the palace, and ever since then, I've been fighting her, trying to end her reign of terror and get myself back home."

"You always could have married her and then tried to find some way to get rid of her before she executed you," said Harley. "Might have been easier if you were close to her like that."

"That wasn't really a risk I was gonna take," replied the Jokerwocky. "Anyway, she ain't my type."

"What…is your type?" asked Harley, slowly.

He shrugged again. "Well, mostly women who aren't crazy, power-hungry tyrants," he retorted. "But since you ask…blondes with big, blue eyes."

"Yeah?" asked Harley, hopefully. "Kinda…like me?"

"Kinda like you," he agreed. "I mean, in other circumstances…if we weren't on the run from a mad Queen in a crazy world…I would maybe try asking you out on a date."

"I would maybe say yes," replied Harley, smiling.

"And if the flowers weren't alive and singing and spies for the Queen here, I'd maybe get you a bouquet of 'em," he continued.

"I'd really like that," said Harley. "Maybe," she added.

"And if this weren't really the time or place for it, I might try…" he trailed off.

"What?" pressed Harley.

"It's crazy…" he began.

"I can cope with a little madness too," retorted Harley. "Anyway, where better to be crazy than here?"

"I guess you're right," he agreed. "Well, then, maybe if I were completely crazy, I would try…"

He leaned forward, and Harley shut her eyes, parting her lips for him as his mouth grew closer...

"Look out!" shouted the Jokerwocky suddenly, grabbing her and shoving her off the mushroom to the ground.

"Well…that _was_ crazy…" began Harley, picking herself up, but she looked up and saw the Jokerwocky grappling with the Knave of Hearts on top of the mushroom. The Knave had swung his axe, which had narrowly missed her, and which the Jokerwocky had grabbed hold of. The Knave fought valiantly, but he was clearly wounded, and his strength at this point was no match for the Jokerwocky. He finally managed to pull the axe away from the Knave, kicking him to the ground. Harley stood over him, as the Jokerwocky jumped down, holding the axe against his throat.

"What do you think, toots?" the Jokerwocky asked, glaring at the Knave. "Think I should cut off his head and send the Queen a message?"

"No," said Harley, staring at the Knave as an idea suddenly entered her head. "I've got a better idea."


	10. Chapter 10

"And why would I help you?" demanded the Knave of Hearts, tied to a chair inside of the Jokerwocky's hideout. "What's in it for me to betray the woman I serve and adore?"

"Well, you'll get to keep your head, for one thing," said the Jokerwocky.

"Not after she finds out that I betrayed her," retorted the Knave.

"She won't," said Harley, reassuringly. "Not until it's too late for her to do anything about it, anyway."

"And I repeat, why would I help you overthrow my Queen?" demanded the Knave. "I'd rather die first."

"That can be arranged," said the Jokerwocky, reaching for the axe.

"Just think about it," said Harley, intercepting his hand and shaking her head. "Once the Queen's deposed, she won't be so distracted ruling the kingdom and executing people. She'll be all yours."

"I would not wish to deprive her of her happiness," he retorted. "And ruling and beheading people makes her happy."

"Yeah, nothing more attractive than an insane control freak," said the Jokerwocky, sarcastically.

"Isn't there anything that you want that maybe we could help you get?" asked Harley. "We have a hatter and a scarecrow and a…catwoman. Surely our combined efforts can find you something you'd be willing to trade for your help?"

"Aside from the love of my Queen, I want nothing," retorted the Knave.

"Oh, have you lost the love of your Queen?" asked the Scarecrow. "If it's something you want, it's clearly not something you have, logically."

"Not surprising, so many things get lost here in Wonderland," sighed the Mad Hatter.

"What did she do, dump you for somebody else?" asked the Cheshire Catwoman. "Bitch. And I use that insult as a technical term for a female dog, because being a cat, I hate dogs."

"You know, you keep making this story un-kid friendly," snapped the Mad Hatter.

The Cheshire Catwoman shrugged. "I'm not really a fan of kiddie stuff. Unlike you, Jervis."

"What's that supposed to mean?" he demanded.

"We're getting off topic," snapped Harley.

"Welcome to Wonderland," said the Scarecrow, dryly. "If there ever was a plot, we lost it a long time ago."

"Along with our minds," agreed the Mad Hatter.

"So you and the Queen of Psychopaths had a little falling out, huh?" asked the Jokerwocky. "Frankly, I'm surprised it's taken you this long to see her for the awful person she is…"

"She's not awful!" snapped the Knave. "She's being manipulated by that monster the Dark Knight! He's so desperate to have you dead that he's joined forces with her, and wormed his way into her affections."

"Wait, the Dark Knight and the Queen of Hearts are teaming up to kill me?" demanded the Jokerwocky. "Do they know where we are?"

The Knave shrugged. "Shouldn't be too far behind me," he retorted with a grin.

"We have to go," said the Mad Hatter, urgently. "We have to leave here now, before a pack of playing cards bursts in!"

"So what if they do?" retorted Harley. "They're just a pack of cards."

"Yeah. You guys keep working on the Knave – I gotta get something," said the Jokerwocky, disappearing into another room.

"If you help us with the Queen, we'll help you with the Dark Knight," said Harley to the Knave. "Just get us inside the palace, slip this in her tea, and then we'll help you do whatever you want to get him out of the picture."

The Knave looked at the shrinking potion she held out to him. "You want me to shrink my Queen?" he demanded.

"You can bring her back to her normal size after she's deposed," retorted Harley. "The guys assure me the effects of these things are temporary."

"That may be so, but it still involves me betraying my Queen, and that's something I will never do under any circumstances," retorted the Knave. "Especially when I'm about to be rescued by the Queen's guards," he said, hearing the tramp of approaching footsteps from outside.

"Don't worry, Harley, we'll…" began the Cheshire Catwoman, but they suddenly saw a burst of fire from outside, and then heard screaming.

"What in Wonderland?" asked the Scarecrow, racing to the window. The others quickly followed to see the playing card guards, some on fire and running around screaming trying to put themselves out, while bursts of flame shot out from the roof of the hideout. Harley looked up to see the Jokerwocky holding another device that appeared to shoot fire.

"It's called a flamethrower!" he called down, noticing them staring up at him. "I made it myself based on the one I used to have in Gotham, and using your weird, Victorian technology! Very effective against things made of paper!"

"I can…see that," said Harley, gazing at the carnage in shock. When the cards had either burned to ashes or run off, the Jokerwocky hopped down from the roof.

"No more Mr. Nice Guy," he muttered, approaching the Knave and pointing the flamethrower at him. "All right, here's the deal, half-face," he snapped. "We're gonna attack the Queen's palace either way. If you can sneak a couple of us in, we'll try and be subtle, and spare your sweetie pie's life. But if you don't, we're gonna launch a frontal assault, burn all her little minions to death as you just saw, and then take this torch to her face and see if you still want her then! Of course, this will be after we've evened out your face by removing the half of skin you still have left! So it's your choice, pal!"

The Knave glared at him. "Do you have a coin?" he asked.

"Why?" asked the Jokerwocky.

"If I can't make decisions on my own, I ask a coin," replied the Knave. "It's as reliable as anything else in Wonderland."

"I think I have a shilling somewhere," said the Mad Hatter, feeling around in his pockets.

"What happened to your face in the first place?" asked Harley.

"Oh, my Queen did it," said the Knave. "The last time I failed her. She said she wouldn't chop off my head, but burning off half my face was punishment enough. She is most merciful."

"Right…Stockholm syndrome much?" muttered Harley under her breath as the Mad Hatter handed the Knave his coin.

He flipped it, and it landed heads up. "So is that a yes?" asked Harley, slowly.

"Heads? It means I'm doing what you ask, and taking you to the Queen," he said, nodding. "And speaking of heads, you'd better hang on to yours."


	11. Chapter 11

"I still kinda wish we'd brought the others as backup," said Harley, as she and the Jokerwocky followed the Knave toward the Queen of Hearts's palace.

"They can do more good out in Wonderland rallying the people," said the Jokerwocky. "They'll be more inclined to listen to them as some of their own kind. We're just strangers here, and nobody trusts a stranger."

"Yeah, but maybe I could have milked the whole Alice thing more," said Harley. "She kinda a god-like figure to these people – maybe I could command them to rise up against the Queen."

"If I didn't know better, sweetheart, I'd assume you didn't want to be alone with me," retorted the Jokerwocky. "That Scarecrow guy definitely didn't want you to be – I thought he was gonna flip when I suggested it. The Hat guy and the Cat lady practically had to drag him away from you."

"I think he's just overprotective," said Harley, shrugging. "You know, like a father figure."

"You sure it ain't something else?" asked the Jokerwocky.

"Like what?" asked Harley, puzzled.

"Like the same reason I wanna be alone with you," he retorted, grinning.

Harley felt herself blushing. "I'm not objecting to being alone with you, really," she said. "I just think maybe it would have been a good idea to bring someone native to Wonderland along, in case something crazy happens that we're not prepared to deal with."

"And I'm glad they ain't along," replied the Jokerwocky. "They'd kill the mood with their weird nonsense crap."

"I'm not sure what kinda mood you're expecting when we're about to head straight into danger by stealthily infiltrating the palace of a beheading-happy psychopath with the help of a man with half a face," retorted Harley.

"Well, personally, I think the danger kinda adds to the romance," said the Jokerwocky.

Harley grinned. "Well...I guess it is kinda exciting."

"Would you both shut up?" demanded the Knave, whirling around. "You're making me feel sick."

"Relax – it's just flirting, half-face," retorted the Jokerwocky. "I'm sure you do the same kinda thing with your psycho queen."

"Not after this I won't," the Knave muttered under his breath. "I doubt she'll ever let me flirt with her again."

"Well, just because your love-life is over, no need to ruin the rest of ours," retorted the Jokerwocky. "Some of us still have a chance at being happy because we're not attracted to power-mad tyrants with a passion for random executions."

"Maybe she'll be better after she's deposed," said Harley, encouragingly to the Knave. "Some people just go crazy when they get a little power. Or a lotta power. Maybe once it's taken away from her, she'll go back to being a normal, productive member of society."

"Nobody in Wonderland is normal or productive," retorted the Knave.

"You know, I can see why you people are still stuck in Victorian times," said the Jokerwocky. "I mean, I'd be the first to admit that the world is only improved by lunatics, but you gotta be the kinda lunatics who don't just sit around drinking tea and reciting poetry. That sorta stagnates a society. I guess if nothing else, you gotta admire the Queen of Hearts for shaking things up a bit. Even if by shaking things up, she executes half her subjects on a whim."

"We're here," said the Knave, nodding at the palace that loomed in front of them out of the clearing of trees. "The only way I'm going to be able to sneak you inside is if they think I've taken you prisoner. So give me back my axe and pretend you have your hands tied behind your back."

"I dunno if I trust you with the axe again," said the Jokerwocky.

"If you don't trust me, you shouldn't have asked me to help you," retorted the Knave, holding out his hand.

"I don't trust you," agreed the Jokerwocky. "I don't trust anyone who could love a woman who destroys half your face."

"But we don't have a lotta choice," said Harley. "Give him the axe, J."

The Jokerwocky sighed but obeyed. "Okay, but if he double crosses us, on your head be it, toots. If your head don't get chopped off, of course!" he chuckled. "Can't trust a two-faced guy if you ask me," he muttered, holding his hands behind his back as Harley did the same.

The Knave of Hearts nodded, and then headed toward the gate. "Who goes there?" asked one of the playing cards.

"It's me, the Knave," replied the Knave. "I've brought her majesty some prisoners. The Wrong Alice, and the Jokerwocky," he said, nodding at them.

The card stared at him. "This…is the Jokerwocky?" he stammered. "Is he a shapeshifter?"

"No, he's just a man," retorted the Knave. "That's what we've been cowering in fear of this whole time. A man capable of great destruction, but whose head can be removed from his body just as easily as any other man's. As her majesty will soon discover," he added with a smile.

"You will be rewarded for this," said the card. "You have saved Wonderland. You're a hero. They'll write songs and poems about you…"

"Yeah, that's just what this place needs, more songs and poetry," interrupted the Jokerwocky. "But I guess a lotta things do rhyme with hearts. Knave less so…depraved, slave, which is actually a pretty good description of him…"

"Laugh it up, clown," snapped the Knave, rounding on him. "We'll see who has the last laugh when the Queen gets through with you."

He shoved past the guard, dragging the Jokerwocky and Harley after him. "Now what?" asked Harley, once they were inside the palace.

"Her majesty will be in the gardens – it's croquet time," said the Knave, glancing at a clock. "You two hide in the throne room – you'll be able to get a view of when you can leap into action from there."

They obeyed, taking their place behind two pillars, while the Knave headed through the doors into the garden, where the Queen of Hearts held a flamingo upside-down, trying to use it to knock a hedgehog ball through a series of wickets.

"Good shot, your majesty," said the Knave, approaching her as she knocked the hedgehog through one of the hoops.

She glared up at him. "What are you doing here?" she demanded. "You're supposed to be trying and failing to find the fugitives."

"I told you I wouldn't disappoint you again, your majesty," said the Knave.

"You failing to find them wouldn't be disappointing me," she retorted. "Failure is exactly what I'd be expecting from you. Your shot, my Dark Knight!" she called.

The Knave bristled both at the comment, and at the armor-clad figure who approached them, holding his own flamingo. "I can't be distracted by a silly game. Why hasn't the card army we sent to kill the Jokerwocky returned yet?" he demanded.

"Patience, my Dark Knight," cooed the Queen, running her finger down his chest. "All good things take time. Just relax – the game should relieve your stress. Unless you'd like to try something else that would do that."

"The game is fine," muttered the Dark Knight, aiming his flamingo and knocking it into the hedgehog. The creature went flying, over the high wall surrounding the palace and out of sight.

"Maybe…a little gentler next time," said the Queen of Hearts, slowly. "Not that I like a gentle man. I prefer them a little more rough and rugged," she purred, sidling up against him.

A clock chimed somewhere in the palace, startling both the Jokerwocky and Harley. "Teatime!" shouted the Queen. "Where is the Ventriloquist with the tray?"

"I'll go see," said the Knave, heading back inside. He met the Ventriloquist on the way, and grabbed the tea tray from him, saying, "I'll serve her majesty today."

"It's really my job…" began the Ventriloquist.

"Yeah, but it must be inconvenient having to carry the tray and the dummy," said the Knave.

"Yes, but it's my job," said the Ventriloquist. "I really can't let anyone else do it – her majesty wouldn't like it."

The Knave looked helplessly toward the pillars, and the Jokerwocky obliged, creeping up behind the Ventriloquist and raising his gun to strike him hard on the back of the head, knocking him unconscious.

"Thanks," muttered the Knave, grabbing the tray away from the Ventriloquist. Or at least, he tried to, but the dummy clung on.

"No, you don't, you dirty rat!" snapped Scarface. "Nobody knocks out my dummy and steals from Mr. Scarface…"

The Jokerwocky obliged again, raising his flamethrower and enveloping the dummy in its blast.

"Thanks again," said the Knave, ripping the tray away from the burning cinder block. He took out the shrinking potion and carefully poured it into one of the teacups, then headed back to the garden.

The Queen hadn't noticed the commotion in the throne room – she was too busy draping herself over the Dark Knight. "It's about time…" she began, whirling around, but was surprised to see the Knave carrying the tray.

"Where's the Ventriloquist?" she asked.

"He was feeling under the weather," said the Knave, placing the tray down. "There you are, your majesty."

The Queen shrugged as the Knave poured the tea into the cups. "The army should really be back by now," repeated the Dark Knight.

"You worry too much, my Dark Knight," said the Queen. "They're probably engaged in a mighty battle with the monster…"

"They've actually all been burned to a crisp," interrupted the Knave.

"How do you know that?" demanded the Queen.

"I saw them," he said. "The Jokerwocky had some kinda device that spewed fire – the cards didn't stand a chance."

"I knew it," snapped the Dark Knight, standing up. "I should have gone myself – I don't know why I let you talk me into staying behind."

"So lead the next army," retorted the Queen, waving her hand. "Plenty more cards in the pack, and plenty of time to deal them. But now it's teatime, my Dark Knight. Do sit down and have a cup."

The Dark Knight obeyed reluctantly, taking the cup the Knave offered him. He sipped it slowly while the Queen sipped hers, the Knave's eyes flicking between the two.

Suddenly, the Dark Knight choked, dropping the cup. He gasped, clutching his throat, and as everyone watched, he began shrinking until he was no bigger than a blade of grass. "What have you done to me?" he squeaked, in a high-pitched, shrill voice, the opposite of his normally deep, gruff tones.

"What you deserve for stealing my Queen from me," growled the Knave, raising his boot and stomping it down hard on the Dark Knight. Or at least that was the intention, but the Dark Knight was quick, and managed to scurry away across the grounds, being chased by the hedgehog croquet balls.

The Knave knelt down in front of the astonished Queen. "My most gracious and beauteous majesty, I have brought you a gift. The Jokerwocky and the Wrong Alice are in the throne room as we speak. They wanted me to betray you and shrink you as I did to the Dark Knight, but I would never do such a thing to the woman I adore. Instead I have delivered your enemies into your hands, which the Dark Knight could never do. Say that you forgive my earlier failure, and take me back."

The Queen stared at him, and then smiled slowly. "Of course, my Knave," she purred, kissing him deeply. "But first, bring me my prize."

"Somehow, Harley, I don't think that went according to plan," said the Jokerwocky, as the Knave turned and strode toward them. "I knew that two-faced jerk would betray us. It was as plain as the nose on his face."

"What do we do now?" asked Harley.

"Offhand, I'd say run," said the Jokerwocky.

They both pelted toward the door they came through, out into the corridor. Stacks of playing card guards began descending on them from nearly every doorway as they ran along the long, seemingly never-ending hall.

They turned a corner to be met with more playing cards blocking the exit to the palace. "I'll hold 'em off for as long as I can," said the Jokerwocky, aiming his flamethrower.

"No, you're coming with me," said Harley. "I won't leave you here."

"We can either both be captured and killed, or one of us can have a chance at escape while the other acts as bait," said the Jokerwocky. "And it's me they want. I don't have time to argue with you, kid. You need to run," he said, as the cards began to swarm them.

"You'll die…" began Harley.

He cut her off with a tender kiss on her lips. "At least I'll die happy," he murmured. "Now go."

"J…"

"Go!" he shouted, firing a blast of flame at the cards and burning a path to the exit. He shoved her through the gap just as more cards came to fill it up.

"J!" shrieked Harley, fighting to get back to him. "J!"

But it was no good. The cards had folded up behind her, sealing the palace shut and trapping the Jokerwocky inside. Harley stared helplessly at where he had disappeared.

"I'm gonna save you," she whispered. "I promise."


	12. Chapter 12

"You shouldn't have come back," said the Queen of Hearts, shutting the door to her throne room and leaving the Jokerwocky and her alone. He was tied and beaten, but glared at her defiantly.

"You knew I was gonna be back one day," he retorted. "You knew I wasn't gonna stay in this hellhole forever. And you're the only one with the power to send me back to where I came from."

"Yes," agreed the Queen. "But I was hoping to kill you before then, or have Alice do it. And I won't send you back, of course, not after all the trouble you've caused. Terrorizing and killing my subjects – that's something only I'm allowed to do, J."

She went over to her throne and poured a cup of tea for herself. "You have no idea how much I enjoyed frightening my subjects by convincing them you were this monster bent on complete domination," she said, sipping it slowly. "But then they're all a pack of cowards here. Even my own Knave was afraid of the very thought of you."

She sipped from her cup. "I don't like cowards," she said. "I like strong, determined, fierce men, men who would risk danger and death to achieve their goal. Men like you, J."

"You can sweet talk me all you want – I'm not gonna be your stupid King of Hearts," he retorted. "I'm not gonna do anything you want me to do."

"You're going to die either way, you know that, don't you?" asked the Queen of Hearts. "You can die in a couple months after I've had my fun, and after you've ruled this land, subordinate to my will, of course. Or you can die now at the hands of my executioner. It's your choice, but frankly you'd be crazy not to take advantage of those last few months with a beautiful woman."

"Like I told you before, you ain't my type," said the Jokerwocky. "And I don't have any interest being subordinate to anyone's will. I'd rather die a free man now than be your slave for an hour. I've seen how you treat 'em - just look at your Knave's face."

"Oh, but I have every confidence that you wouldn't fail me, J," murmured the Queen, smiling at him. "A man like you, so strong, so determined…I might not get sick of you at all."

"You would – that's not the kinda men you like long-term," retorted the Jokerwocky. "You like to break 'em, and you won't break me, toots."

"I do so want to try, though," she purred, running a finger down his chest. "It's been a long time since I had a man worthy of a challenge – the Dark Knight would have been one had my Knave not chased him off. But frankly, I don't like small men, and I'm betting you're not one of them. Come on, J – you could do a lot worse than the most beautiful woman in Wonderland."

"You're not the most beautiful woman in Wonderland," retorted the Jokerwocky.

"Then who is?" demanded the Queen.

"You know her as Alice," said the Jokerwocky. "But she's actually the Wrong Alice. Her real name is Harley."

The Queen gaped at him. "You think that pathetic little pretender is more beautiful than me?" she demanded. "Are you blind?"

"I must be," he said. "Because I kissed her, and there's no way in Wonderland that I'm kissing you."

"You're going to do what I say!" shouted the Queen. "I am the Queen of Hearts! No man can resist me!"

"You know, I don't know what delusions you labor under, your majesty, but you're really not as hot as you think you are," said the Jokerwocky. "Certainly not irresistible. I mean, you may be good-looking compared to most of the freaks here, but by Gotham standards, you're pretty plain."

The Queen of Hearts's eyes flashed fury. "What…did you call me?" she hissed.

"I called you plain," he retorted. "Not even ranking in the top ten most attractive women I've ever seen."

The Queen looked like she might explode. "I will not stand for being called…plain!" she choked out. "If you want to die, J, I won't stand in your way!"

She threw open the door to the throne room and shouted at the waiting guards, "Off with his head!"

…

"Harley, you're all right!" exclaimed the Scarecrow as Harley burst into the clearing where he, the Mad Hatter, the Cheshire Catwoman, and various other citizens of Wonderland were gathered. "I was so afraid that mad clown had gotten you killed…"

"Worse, he's got himself killed!" exclaimed Harley. "Or he will soon if we don't help him! We need to attack the palace now and rescue him!"

"We're used to hearing a lotta nonsense here, but that's the craziest thing I've ever heard," spoke up Killer Croc, and the others murmured their agreement. "We can't possibly attack the palace."

"Why not?" demanded Harley. "Your numbers are greater than theirs. What's a few of the Queen's playing card guards against the entire population of Wonderland? And if you're afraid that some of you will die, some of you will anyway with the way she just chops off randomer's heads! You have to show her that her behavior won't go unpunished, that she can't just kill anyone she likes! Being Queen doesn't grant her that power!"

"To an extent, it does," replied the Mad Hatter. "She was granted the right to rule by the ancient prophets of Wonderland, who foretold all our history. She can do what she likes with her own power."

"Are you really going to listen to a bunch of old, dead people?" demanded Harley. "When your lives are at stake, you're going to put your faith in some silly superstition?"

"Sounds good to me," said Croc, and the others murmured their consent again. "We don't have anything else to put our faith in, do we?"

"You have to put your faith in yourself!" exclaimed Harley. "You have to believe you can change things! But only you have the power to do that!"

"Me?" asked Cobblepot, to which Harley had pointed as she gestured out at the crowd.

"Why him?" demanded Cobblekettle. "We're twins – contrariwise, I could be the one with the power."

"No, I meant…each one of you has the power to change things," said Harley, slowly.

"How do we know that?" asked Croc. "Was it foretold in any ancient prophecy of Wonderland?"

"Oh, for God's sake!" snapped Harley, trying not to explode in a mixture of fury and desperation. And then suddenly, an idea struck her. "Do you know who I am?" she demanded out at the crowd.

"The Wrong Alice," said the Mad Hatter, nodding.

"No," she retorted. "I _am_ Alice. The one who was foretold to stop the Jokerwocky and save Wonderland. And as Alice, I know exactly what to do to accomplish that. But you have to do exactly what I say, which is fine, because I'm Alice, so you know, whatever happens, it was foretold and all."

The crowd murmured amongst themselves for a few moments, and then collectively nodded. "All right," said Croc. "Attacking the palace it is, Alice. Let's get to it."

"How dare you?!" hissed the Mad Hatter under his breath. "How dare you pretend to be Alice?!"

"It's the only way these psychos will listen to me, all right?" snapped Harley. "I'm kinda desperate here. If you've got a better idea, let me know. But frankly, since these zealots are too blinded by their weird prophecies, if I wanna get anything done, impersonating a god is the only way to do it. And I gotta save the Jokerwocky."

The Mad Hatter stared after her, and then repeated the end of the prophecy to himself, " _Until the Frabjous Day arrives, and Alice comes to save our lives; the only one with the power to stay the Monster from its wicked way._ No, no, no, this is all wrong!" he exclaimed to the Scarecrow. "It's not the Frabjous Day, and she's not Alice!"

"And I doubt she has the power to stay the Monster from its wicked way," agreed the Scarecrow.

"I dunno, boys – love can make people do strange things," said the Cheshire Catwoman, shrugging. "Like impersonating Alice. And maybe even staying the Jokerwocky's wicked ways."

"Don't be absurd!" snapped the Scarecrow. "The Jokerwocky isn't in love with her, and she's not in love with him!"

"Then why is she leading an attack on the Queen's palace to rescue him?" asked the Cheshire Catwoman. "Sure seems like a crazy thing somebody in love would do to me."

"Yes, well, nobody asked you, did they?" retorted the Scarecrow. "A woman as wonderful as Harley couldn't possibly be in love with that clown-faced freak. It's all wrong."

"So is her impersonating Alice, and she's done that," retorted the Mad Hatter. "Perhaps two wrongs do make a right. In which case…Harley might have the power to save Wonderland after all."


	13. Chapter 13

"Joker, this doesn't even resemble the original story anymore," interrupted Jervis Tetch. "And the final indignity is really making Harley into the hero of a story which is meant to be about Alice!"

"I told you, Tetchy, I improved it," said Joker. "Made the hero a more likeable character than a weird, Victorian child. No offense, kid," he said, nodding at Alice.

"This is symptomatic of our times," sighed Tetch, despairingly. "The original story is a series of harmless adventures, and you've had to add in fight sequences and battles and attacks on palaces. You can't have any story these days without ludicrous amounts of action and violence."

"Yeah, I have made it more fun," agreed Joker.

"Why do you think Red would want to have you for her King of Hearts?" asked Harley. "That's the most unbelievable thing I've heard so far."

"Hey, she secretly finds me irresistible," retorted Joker. "She'd just never admit it to herself."

"What happened to the Dark Knight?" asked J.J. "Did he just get chased off into the sunset? Will he regain his original form?"

"Is the Jokerwocky gonna be ok?" asked Arleen, concerned. "They are gonna get to him in time, aren't they? He ain't gonna be executed, is he?"

"Do we have any more tea?" asked Alice, holding out her teacup.

"Good to see you're riveted on the story, kid," sighed Joker.

"I'm enjoying it," she said. "Which is why I want tea. It only enhances any enjoyable experience, right, Uncle Jervis?"

"That's right, my angel," he agreed, pouring her another cup.

"Geez, I can think of a couple of enjoyable experiences a boiling hot liquid wouldn't enhance," said Joker. "Few of them are appropriate for kiddies, though, and I did say I'd keep this story PG. Now where was I? Oh yes. So the Jokerwocky was dragged out of the throne room and onto the grounds, where the Queen of Hearts had her executions. Spiked on top of the walls around the grounds were the heads of all her previously executed victims, staring down horribly at the execution block. The Jokerwocky was dragged to this, and his head slammed down onto it as the Knave of Hearts approached him with his axe raised.

"Any last words, J?" asked the Queen of Hearts.

The Jokerwocky glanced at the Knave. "No hard feelings," the Jokerwocky said. "At least I get to die. You're stuck with her."

"Off with his head!" shrieked the Queen, and the Knave obeyed, about to bring the axe down…

It was suddenly knocked out of his hands as a shape pounced on him, the dark, furry shape of the Cheshire Catwoman. The Queen whirled around, and was suddenly struck in the face by one of the decapitated heads hurled at her from the wall by Harley.

"Let go of him!" she shrieked, throwing another head at the Queen, and joined by the other citizens of Wonderland, who aided each other in scaling the wall and mimicked Harley by continuing to throw heads. The Queen staggered back under the assault as the Cheshire Catwoman hurried over to the Jokerwocky, cutting his ropes with her claws.

"Go!" she shouted, pouncing back up to the walls as the playing card guards began to descend.

"Get them!" shrieked the Queen of Hearts, hurrying back to the palace to get away from the flying heads. The Knave shielded her, following behind her into the safety of the palace.

"Harley!" exclaimed the Jokerwocky, beaming as Harley hopped down to join him in the fray, followed by the rest of the Wonderlanders. She raced into his arms and hugged him tightly.

"You came back for me," he murmured.

"Actually, Alice did," she said with a grin. "Lying to them was the only way to get these chumps to cooperate."

"Dame after my own heart!" he chuckled. She beamed, and then kissed him tenderly in the midst of the chaos of Wonderlanders versus playing cards.

"Call me crazy, huh, Johnny?" snapped the Cheshire Catwoman, as her claws swatted at a card.

"Shut up," growled the Scarecrow, cutting a row of cards in half with a swipe of his scythe.

"C'mon, let's get the Queen," said the Jokerwocky, taking Harley's hand and running toward the palace. "The sooner we capture her, the sooner we end this."

The Knave had barricaded himself and the Queen inside the throne room, but even their huge, thick doors couldn't stand long against the force of the combined citizens of Wonderland. The doors broke open at last, and Harley and the Jokerwocky led the charge into the throne room, where Harley pointed her sword at the Queen.

"Surrender," she said, firmly.

"Never," spat the Queen of Hearts. "Kill me, girl, if you have the guts."

"I'm not going to kill you," retorted Harley. "I need you to send me and J back to Gotham, for one thing. And for another, the worse punishment for you than death would be to deprive you of your power. Which I now do, as Alice of Wonderland."

"J said you were the Wrong Alice!" snapped the Queen.

"That was an elaborate ruse so you wouldn't suspect my true identity," said Harley. "But as you can see, I've now saved Wonderland from the true monster. And it's not the Jokerwocky."

She sheathed her sword. "Queen of Hearts, you are henceforth removed from all power in this kingdom forever, and must live like a regular citizen of Wonderland."

"But who will replace her?" asked the Ventriloquist. "We can't function without a monarch."

"Have you ever thought that maybe this whole monarchy concept is a little outdated?" asked Harley. They all just stared back at her blankly. "Ok, I guess that one's a bit of a stretch for you," sighed Harley. "Keep your monarchs if you want, but get a better one than her."

"What about you, Alice?" asked the Ventriloquist. There were murmurings of agreement from the crowd.

"You did lead us to victory, Queen Alice," agreed Croc.

"No, I'm going back home to Gotham," said Harley. "You couldn't pay me to rule this crazy place. But the moment the former Queen of Hearts sends me back, I think I got a solution that'll satisfy everyone."

…

"Harley, where have you been?" asked Alice Pleasance, as Harleen Quinzel emerged from the garden. "Your parents have been looking for you. And who's this?" she asked, nodding at the clown who walked hand-in-hand with her.

"It's kinda a long story," said Harley. "I'll tell you later. Right now, it's such a pleasant evening, you should maybe take a walk in the garden. Be sure to stop and smell the roses though, literally."

"Um…okay," said Alice, slowly, heading into the garden.

"Well, all's well that ends well, huh, sweets?" asked the Jokerwocky. "Those Wonderlanders should be happy now that they've got their Queen Alice. And I'm beyond happy to finally get outta that madhouse."

"Aw, c'mon, J, admit it, you'll miss it," Harley said, grinning at him.

"Nope, I'm glad to be back in the world of normal sizes and minimal poetry recitals," said the Jokerwocky.

"Not so fast!" squeaked a voice at their feet. They looked down to see the still shrunken Dark Knight glaring up at them.

"Oh hey, how did you get here?" asked the Jokerwocky, bending down to pick him up in his palm.

"I snuck into your pocket when you were invading the palace," retorted the Dark Knight. "And I order you to return me to Wonderland, and my regular size, at once!"

The Jokerwocky and Harley shared a look, and smiled. "Nah, sorry, we ain't going back there in a hurry," said the Jokerwocky. "So you should probably make do as best you can here in Gotham. You should think up some kinda new identity like…the Batman! You're about the size of a bat now anyway!" he chuckled.

"How dare you laugh at me?" squeaked the Dark Knight. "You'll pay for this, both of you! I will have my revenge!"

"Sure you will, half-pint," retorted the Jokerwocky. "Go bother somebody else, would ya?" he asked, flicking him away and into the grass.

"Maybe we should take him back…" said Harley, slowly.

"Nah, what's he gonna do?" asked the Jokerwocky. "And I'm never going back to that hellhole if I can avoid it. Guess my time in Wonderland was worth it, though, if it led me to you."

Harley beamed and kissed him. "Harley? Who's this?" asked Harley's mother, turning the corner and shocked to see her daughter kissing a clown.

"Mom, this is…this is…Mr. J," said Harley, smiling at him.

"Mr. J, huh?" asked the Jokerwocky, grinning. "I like the sound of that."

Meanwhile, Alice had leaned down to smell the rosebush in the garden, and was suddenly seized by the thorns and dragged, screaming, down into the ground. She landed with a bump at last in the throne room of a palace, surrounded by a hoard of strange creatures staring at her. One of the more normal-looking ones, a man in a top hat, came forward and smiled down at her. "Welcome home, Queen Alice," he murmured.

…

"So there, y'see? It had an Alice ending after all," said the Joker, finishing the story. "After all that complaining, I made her Queen of Wonderland, just like in the book."

"That never happened in the book," retorted Jervis Tetch. "In fact, Alice doesn't even stay in Wonderland in the book."

"Why not? She's clearly a lot more comfortable there than around normal people," said the Joker. "Seems kinda cruel to make her go back to a place where she doesn't fit in, and where everyone will think she's crazy for saying she went to a land with talking cats and rabbits in waistcoats."

"Wonderland can be read as a metaphor for childhood, and therefore none of us can stay there permanently," retorted Tetch. "Sooner or later, we all have to grow up."

"Well, I don't know about that!" chuckled Joker. "I never have, after all! Which means I don't have to do the dishes either, right, Harley girl?" he asked, smiling at her hopefully.

Harley sighed. "I'll take care of it, as usual," she muttered. "But only because I think you must be tired out from all that storytelling."

"Yeah, it's a real strain, Harl," he agreed. "How my genius comes up with such masterpieces night after night, I'll never know. It just leaves me in awe of myself."

"I'm sure Carroll was much more modest than you," sighed Tetch. "Come along, Alice – let's let the Joker twins get to bed. Be sure to thank them for today, like a well-mannered young lady."

"Thank you for playing with me," said Alice to the twins. "And thank you for the story, Uncle Joker," she said. "It makes a change from Uncle Jervis's version."

"And which do you prefer, sweetheart?" asked Joker.

"Uncle Jervis's version," retorted Alice, bluntly.

"I liked your version better, Daddy," said J.J.

"I like 'em both," said Arleen. "It's ok to like both, isn't it? I don't have to take sides, do I, Daddy?"

"Of course not, princess," he said. "I mean, for certain things you do, because certain things are incompatible. Like boxers or briefs, or vampires and werewolves, or DC and Marvel…"

"I just think it's sometimes nice to hear a new version of a classic tale," said Arleen. "Don't you, Uncle Jervis?"

"No," retorted Tetch, firmly. "I think it's an insult to Carroll, and when I return home, I'm going to invent a device to wipe the narrative from my mind so I won't be subjected to the memory of that insult ever again."

"Wow, tough audience," said Joker, as Tetch and Alice left. "But if he does invent that device, remind me to ask him to let me borrow it. I wanna wipe away some memories of the Star Wars prequels…"

"You two, bed," said Harley to her children, as she headed back into the kitchen. "Your Daddy will tuck you in, and I'll be in to kiss you goodnight later, after I do your Daddy's chores for him."

"Thanks for the story, Daddy," said Arleen, as the Joker settled the twins in their bunk beds. "Maybe you can tell us another one tomorrow night?"

Joker grinned. "Well, to quote another classic story, princess," he said, flicking off the light. "As you wish."

 **The End**


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